i've been doing a lot of thinking lately thinking that requires not only my head but my heart and my life as well. the kind of thinking that keeps my body up all night wondering about the outcome of some situation that i have absolutely no control over. i think i may have said this a million times over in the last few weeks but i really cannot figure out how to make myself stop thinking and imagining and pondering. all i want to do is live. i want to choose today and not next week. i want to live a life that is worthy of the calling that i have recieved. i want to love today. i want to give myself away today. i want to declare myself alive in the holy spirit and proclaim victory today.
right this moment my heart hurts. the pain in my heart makes my brain work overtime trying to figure out ways to fix the pain and avoid it in the future. no matter how hard i try i cannot make myself love less. i cannot comprehend what it would look like to retract the woman that i've been designed to be in order for the pain my heart is feeling to be any dimmer.
just a few days ago, i couldn't fathom anything other than joy deep down in my spirit. the person i am right this minute is not who i've been designed to be. lies are penetrating my truth and making themselves comfortable, so comfortable that my heart thinks that they are true. it's been a struggle of mine for many years, listening to lies.
i read my journal and a couple of my blogs and was reminded, and will remind myself again... Kandice, you have been listening to lies for far to long and the Truth is alive in you to set you free, freedom is available every moment. Alive. Victory is alive in you! Truth is alive in you. Today. Tonight. Asleep and Awake. Live accordingly.
pondering. sleeping. laughing.
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