I'm overcome. I lose again.
This is what God says....
There must be no debate. The moment you obey the light, the Son of God presses through you in that particular; but if you debate you grieve the Spirit of God. You must keep yourself fit to let the life of the Son of God be manifested, and you cannot keep yourself fit if you give way to self-pity. Our circumstances are the means of manifesting how wonderfully perfect and extraordinarily pure the Son of God is. The thing that ought to make the heart beat is a new way of manifesting the Son of God. It is one thing to choose the disagreeable, and another thing to go into the disagreeable by God's engineering. If God puts you there, He is amply sufficient.
Keep your soul fit to manifest the life of the Son of God. Never live on memories; let the word of God be always living and active in you.
and then he says...
Remember what you are saved for - that the Son of God might be manifested in your mortal flesh. Bend the whole energy of your powers to realize your election as a child of God; rise to the occasion every time.
You cannot do anything for your salvation, but you must do something to manifest it, you must work out what God has worked in. Are you working it out with your tongue, and your brain and your nerves? If you are still the same miserable crosspatch, set on your own way, then it is a lie to say that God has saved and sanctified you.
God is the Master Engineer, He allows the difficulties to come in order to see if you can vault over them properly - "By my God have I leaped over a wall." God will never shield you from any of the requirements of a son or daughter of His. Peter says - "Think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you." Rise to the occasion; do the thing. It does not matter how it hurts as long as it gives God the chance to manifest Him self in your mortal flesh.
--In the name of the only One who can save me from myself, Jesus! Jesus bind Satan from my spirit. Bind Satan from my tongue, my brain and my nerves. That my heart may beat in a way that manifests the working of your Holy Spirit. Amen.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
i lost the game again.
This staring game is way harder in real life. I lost-big time- both last night and again this morning. I've been having the dumbest anxiety of all time. Worried about fictional characters and things that I have complete control over, like dinner with my friend and homework. Dumb things are stealing my gaze from my God. I know these things are dumb. I know with all that I am that they are nothing to worry about. Yet, I'm crippled with body and mind consuming anxiety. The kind of worry that makes my heart beat too fast. The kind that wells up a million tears behind my eyes that can flood out at the drop of a hat. The kind that keeps me in my bed when I have a million things to do. The kind that pushes people that are trying to love me away.
Anxiety and worry manifest in the tiny things I can control stemming from things that I have absolutely no control over. Things that, if possible, I would change. People that I long to love deeply, missing it. I'm learning that ALL I want is depth of community. What I long for in the depths of my Spirit are real honest intimate connections with God, and with people. I have been created to create connections. Created to connect with my Savior in ways that cannot be separated from human connections. When separation comes, in throwing my pearls to pigs, anxiety seems to get the upper hand. Anxiety wins?!
But, I know... God still wins. His relentless stare is, just that, relentless. God's gaze is oppressively consistent. And also, not only does he win, he controls all of the players in the game. Control in the sense that this is a Kandice-God Staring Game and everyone else that is allowed in the room has to be aware and available to play the game too or else...they can't play. They must leave the room.
My self reflective season of life is drawing me closer to my Savior. Maybe the drawing will one day (hopefully soon) help me to stay in the game. I can never win the staring game with God, but I certainly can keep playing. God is doing all the work to keep me in the game, and that is how it should be. All I need to do is respond. I long for response in my human relationships, so therefore, I will respond to my Savior. I will respond to the God of the Universe, the Creator God; I will respond. I lost the game- really lost, like bankrupt in monopoly- today, but there is much day left. I'll play some more-mortgage my property and get out of jail free- and stay in this game with God. That is my response.
I wont wait for human response, I'll just play with my Savior and let Him keep people in the room or kick them out! I lost the game, but God wins.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
staring game
If I had the time, I would read through my last few blogs and note that what I’m about to write about is a story that began many weeks ago. I would point out all of the things that have started to come together in a beautiful story of my Savior seeking after my heart; a story of my God on the hot pursuit for my soul.
We all encounter seasons of life. We all experience hardship. We all wonder why things are happening the way they do. We all go about our business the only way we know how. We live out what we know in the ways that we know how. There is no other way to be. People can tell you to change your attitude or actions. People can prompt you to look at the world with different eyes but in the end, we go about our day doing what we know. All of these things are normal, daily occurrences, that dictate the way we feel when we go to sleep at night. Thoughts and hopes and dreams collide and we see the world with eyes that are certain and positive and…normal.
The season that I currently find myself in is very self-reflective. I have had to do a couple of personality and spirituality surveys for one of my Seminary classes. When I first started these tests a couple of days ago I was really nervous. Really scared of the things about me that would be printed on paper for me to read about. Things that would most certainly make me think about who I wish I was instead of who I actually am. I’m not going to go into any detail about my personality type and spiritual inventory; I’ll save that for another time, for now I’d like to get back to the story of God gazing at me intently FOR WEEKS.
So, I’m worried about who I am, or maybe I’m worried about who I’m not. Either way, I’m worried. Worry takes over my life like a plague. When the symptoms begin I cannot make myself stop worrying. It’s crippling and very overwhelming. Not only am I worried but my body is exhausted. I’m tired all the time. No sleep, inconsistent eating and living patterns, busy- need to be on the move- everyday life; there is no good reason for me not to be exhausted all of the time.
So here I am…worried, anxious, defeated. All the while, the Holy Spirit is moving. Shaking up my insides, giving peace, instantly upon request. Giving me rest for my body and my spirit. Giving me opportunities for deep intimate relationships. Showing me grace and truth through the lives of the people around me. Showing up over and over and over again. Speaking to my Spirit in the quiet. Moving, moving, moving. I don’t miss His movement because He reminds me to remember. I don’t miss these things because He won’t let me.
Short conversations. Text messages. Affirmation. People. Love. Truth. God alive in us. All of these random “coincidences” of my day. They make me think of this picture, this picture of God and I playing the staring game. I lose over and over and over again. I turn my gaze to something else. I worry. I get busy. I give myself over to play the staring games with people and things that aren’t very good at the game and it becomes an image of constant defeat. BUT God doesn’t lose. When you play the staring game with humans, after one person loses the game, it’s over. You don’t keep playing if someone loses. Oh the beautiful difference of playing the staring game with God. I worry. He loves. I get anxious. He gives peace. I am defeated. He wins.
He has not removed his gaze from me. It makes me wonder if the one He has made is worth staring at?! Maybe I can continue through this season of self reflection with that idea in mind. I can look at the person that God created me to be with all of my strengths and weaknesses with all of my shallowness and depth… and, intentionally, remember that the One who created me cannot take His eyes off of me.
"For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.” 2 Chronicles 16:9
We all encounter seasons of life. We all experience hardship. We all wonder why things are happening the way they do. We all go about our business the only way we know how. We live out what we know in the ways that we know how. There is no other way to be. People can tell you to change your attitude or actions. People can prompt you to look at the world with different eyes but in the end, we go about our day doing what we know. All of these things are normal, daily occurrences, that dictate the way we feel when we go to sleep at night. Thoughts and hopes and dreams collide and we see the world with eyes that are certain and positive and…normal.
The season that I currently find myself in is very self-reflective. I have had to do a couple of personality and spirituality surveys for one of my Seminary classes. When I first started these tests a couple of days ago I was really nervous. Really scared of the things about me that would be printed on paper for me to read about. Things that would most certainly make me think about who I wish I was instead of who I actually am. I’m not going to go into any detail about my personality type and spiritual inventory; I’ll save that for another time, for now I’d like to get back to the story of God gazing at me intently FOR WEEKS.
So, I’m worried about who I am, or maybe I’m worried about who I’m not. Either way, I’m worried. Worry takes over my life like a plague. When the symptoms begin I cannot make myself stop worrying. It’s crippling and very overwhelming. Not only am I worried but my body is exhausted. I’m tired all the time. No sleep, inconsistent eating and living patterns, busy- need to be on the move- everyday life; there is no good reason for me not to be exhausted all of the time.
So here I am…worried, anxious, defeated. All the while, the Holy Spirit is moving. Shaking up my insides, giving peace, instantly upon request. Giving me rest for my body and my spirit. Giving me opportunities for deep intimate relationships. Showing me grace and truth through the lives of the people around me. Showing up over and over and over again. Speaking to my Spirit in the quiet. Moving, moving, moving. I don’t miss His movement because He reminds me to remember. I don’t miss these things because He won’t let me.
Short conversations. Text messages. Affirmation. People. Love. Truth. God alive in us. All of these random “coincidences” of my day. They make me think of this picture, this picture of God and I playing the staring game. I lose over and over and over again. I turn my gaze to something else. I worry. I get busy. I give myself over to play the staring games with people and things that aren’t very good at the game and it becomes an image of constant defeat. BUT God doesn’t lose. When you play the staring game with humans, after one person loses the game, it’s over. You don’t keep playing if someone loses. Oh the beautiful difference of playing the staring game with God. I worry. He loves. I get anxious. He gives peace. I am defeated. He wins.
He has not removed his gaze from me. It makes me wonder if the one He has made is worth staring at?! Maybe I can continue through this season of self reflection with that idea in mind. I can look at the person that God created me to be with all of my strengths and weaknesses with all of my shallowness and depth… and, intentionally, remember that the One who created me cannot take His eyes off of me.
"For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.” 2 Chronicles 16:9
Monday, May 4, 2009
me my savior and the sea
My world has been chaotic. Not in a everyone can see it kind of way, but I think that more people than not have become aware that things have been difficult, to say the least, in the last few weeks or months of my life. Stress and anxiety have been keeping me up at night and the busy tone of each day keeping me from ever really enjoying any day entirly. I needed a break. I didn't know how bad I needed a break until I actually got one and that is what this post is all about. Warning: it might be long...
I've made my friend Danny come to Redding to visit me so many dang times, it was my turn to return the favor and get my butt down to Santa Cruz for a weekend on the sunny glorious California coast. A weekend at the beach. Woe is me ;) It was totally easy to pump myself up for this trip cause all I wanted to do was go hang out with my real good friend Daniel A Waddell. Easy. So I arranged my life so that I could go on this little weekend getaway.
I leave Redding Friday afternoon, knowing all the while that I really need to get away from the madness that had become my everyday. My heart was easily overwhelmed. I am a people person through and through and I couldn't make any relationship work. I couldn't do anything to make my life opperate normally. I ran away from the "normal" that was not working and found myself encountering God, encountering the God of the Universe in a story of how the Lord has the power to restore me to a place of enjoying my normal. And what is true is that the Lord restores in ways I never could have dreamed up on my own.
I take the four hour drive to Santa Cruz. It's overcast and gray and I think to myself, self, (that's for you Hannah G) why the heck are you going to the coast on a rainy gray overcast weekend. I keep going. I notice, with a little prompting from Danno, that green is greener when the sky is not blue. I begin to enjoy the work of my creator, even on the drive I take nearly every weekend. After one long drive I make it to my friend, realizing instantly, this place of retreat that the Lord has so convienently set up for me.
We begin the weekend by meeting up with a wonderful amazing Godly woman for dinner. I had a wonderful time with people this weekend. People who went out of their way to make me feel loved. People who stepped outside of themselves and all but made me encounter the love of God through their actions, words, intentions, and motivations. I am going to skip too many details about these people and our conversations because one big thing that the Lord taught me this weekend is that I have made myself deeply dependant on people. I would like to change that and give credit where credit is due and honor the Lord for the gifts that he has given me in these people while also remembering that I am, and need to be, deeply dependant on God, the one who offers these people to me.
We go about our business by the sea taking a sweet little drive up the coastline encountering beauty unmimicked in any human creation. Conversations about people and about Jesus lead me to some pondering thoughts about where I put my hope. I find myself wondering how I will go about fixing what is broken in my life. What can I do to make things better, what can I do to change things, what can I do to make things right?!
Relaxing. Pondering. Listening. Dreaming. I begin to hear the voice of the one who made me. I begin to take in what God had in store for me this weekend, who knew this was only the surface? Had I not experienced the rest I might have been content in that evening. Content to listen and to process and to declare and to learn to love deeply in ways that I could never be able to love on my own, but the capturing of my heart continues.
The next day on a little drive up Hwy 1. I am taken back by the beauty that is everywhere. I wonder out loud, what could I have ever thought about when I looked at beautiful things before I knew the Lord? Would I have worshipped photosynthesis to enjoy the glory of the green green trees? Would I have marvelled at the moon's pull so as to be floored by the magnificent waves? I stared at things full of a longing to worship the Creator of the Universe for making things so splendid I could not think of anything else but worshipping Him. Stopping at Waddell beach. Standing in the sand. Giggling like a little girl. Looking for sand dollars. Finding living things. I was reminded of the glory of faith from a child's perspective. From one who sees things with new eyes. Beautiful, magnicicent, miraculous moments with my Savior.
In the quiet. In the still. In the comfort of a friends company. In the telling of stories. In the moments of truth. In the profound longing for real realational intimacy. In the space where the Lord naturally inhabits. I find sincere, overwhelming peace. Peace that I cannot do anything to fix what is broken. Happiness. Delight in even allowing life to stay as it is, in all of it's madness; contentment, knowing that I can sleep (one beautiful night's sleep, literally) assured that I do not need to be a "fixer".
Church. New friends. People checking out the Lord, not sure what they think of him yet. Me, I learn that He follows me whereever I go. Relentless Savior. One longing for me to hear what He really thinks of me. He'll go to great lengths. Joining me in Santa Cruz, hundreds of miles from home, to tell me that He longs for me to believe the truth about myself. He longs for me to run from the comfort of people and sin and selfishness. Run into His arms for a dance, a ravishing dance, where He whispers sweet nothings in my ear. His voice louder than lies. His voice louder than doubt. His voice louder than insecurity and fear. His voice. Loud.
Another long day of joy. A long day of contemplating truth while living out what it looks like to believe even when I don't really believe. A wonderful afternoon in the presence of people who love me without being told how. Standing in the company of ones who stand in the gap, proving truth true. Basking in beauty. Savoring simple moments of deep profound assurance of who I am and relishing love set aside just for me. Given opportunities to know why I do all the things I do, not to fix or control but to live out the character that God has designed in me.
Time to go... oh not yet... thinking. worrying. hating. falling apart. going back to the mess without the Savior. Going back to lies without the truth. Clinging to human affection and admiration for my worth. Longing for more earthly love to fill the space of my Living Savior. Space already occupied, trying to be filled, crowding out the only One that can actually fix anything. Have another moment Kandice. Sit by the ocean. The raging, no where near rhythmic, mess of an ocean. Sit here. Alone. Sit here not alone. Let others experience this moment like a young child seeing the waves crash against the cliffs for the first time. Let him dance around and praise his Creator with dancing and shouting. You sit. Watch me love him. Not the way I love you in this moment. Listen to him worship Me. Listen to him indulge himself in My glory. It's okay that it stirs thoughts in you. Long to worship me. That's okay. Listen to me my beloved. Listen. Sit and listen.
All I ever do is request of the Lord to be my fixer. I always ask You God to fix things. I always ask You to meet me and join me and fix me and heal me and move in me and make me a better me and do more work. I'll listen. But first God, can I be like the waves? I've been watching them for a while and they never do what I say. They never go where I send them. Not one time did they obey me. Not one time was my control, my fixing self, able to command the waves to obey. Okay. Enough talking. I'll sit. I'll listen.
A moment. You are like the waves. You are beautiful, powerful, exactly the way I created you to be, strong, a force to be reconded with. Kandice, you are created, designed, set into motion. Don't forget the moon Kandice. Don't forget the work that is done without you. Don't forget that which is outside of your control, beautiful! You are mine. All of you, every part of you. Good, bad and ugly. I make all things new. You are like the waves. Oh and while you're listening... I've been wanting to tell you. You do know the difference between the truth and a lie. You say that lies are loud. They are, love. But, my voice is louder. Ask me. You say too often that lies overpower truth. You say it like the waves can beat the rocks without my control. Like the waves could outdo what I've already done. Waves do not control the end of the ocean, as lies do not control the life of my beloved. I win Kandice, not waves or lies or people. Me and Me alone. Victory won like the rocks stop the waves. Victory won like the shore ends the ocean. My voice is louder. Ask me, I'll tell you.
truth. joy. touch. voice. life. what i experienced this weekend.
It took me a long time to write this blog and right in the middle of it I almost went back to my mess without my Savior. This life is hard. Being back in Redding, home from my vacation retreat is hard. I'm excited for what the Lord has in store for all of this profound love he is throwing at me. For now, I know it is hard. This mess is much harder than blogs and words and moments. What will be the bridge between the mess and the moment? What will bring truth to the mess? What will make this not so hard? I guess I'll have to wait and see.
I've made my friend Danny come to Redding to visit me so many dang times, it was my turn to return the favor and get my butt down to Santa Cruz for a weekend on the sunny glorious California coast. A weekend at the beach. Woe is me ;) It was totally easy to pump myself up for this trip cause all I wanted to do was go hang out with my real good friend Daniel A Waddell. Easy. So I arranged my life so that I could go on this little weekend getaway.
I leave Redding Friday afternoon, knowing all the while that I really need to get away from the madness that had become my everyday. My heart was easily overwhelmed. I am a people person through and through and I couldn't make any relationship work. I couldn't do anything to make my life opperate normally. I ran away from the "normal" that was not working and found myself encountering God, encountering the God of the Universe in a story of how the Lord has the power to restore me to a place of enjoying my normal. And what is true is that the Lord restores in ways I never could have dreamed up on my own.
I take the four hour drive to Santa Cruz. It's overcast and gray and I think to myself, self, (that's for you Hannah G) why the heck are you going to the coast on a rainy gray overcast weekend. I keep going. I notice, with a little prompting from Danno, that green is greener when the sky is not blue. I begin to enjoy the work of my creator, even on the drive I take nearly every weekend. After one long drive I make it to my friend, realizing instantly, this place of retreat that the Lord has so convienently set up for me.
We begin the weekend by meeting up with a wonderful amazing Godly woman for dinner. I had a wonderful time with people this weekend. People who went out of their way to make me feel loved. People who stepped outside of themselves and all but made me encounter the love of God through their actions, words, intentions, and motivations. I am going to skip too many details about these people and our conversations because one big thing that the Lord taught me this weekend is that I have made myself deeply dependant on people. I would like to change that and give credit where credit is due and honor the Lord for the gifts that he has given me in these people while also remembering that I am, and need to be, deeply dependant on God, the one who offers these people to me.
We go about our business by the sea taking a sweet little drive up the coastline encountering beauty unmimicked in any human creation. Conversations about people and about Jesus lead me to some pondering thoughts about where I put my hope. I find myself wondering how I will go about fixing what is broken in my life. What can I do to make things better, what can I do to change things, what can I do to make things right?!
Relaxing. Pondering. Listening. Dreaming. I begin to hear the voice of the one who made me. I begin to take in what God had in store for me this weekend, who knew this was only the surface? Had I not experienced the rest I might have been content in that evening. Content to listen and to process and to declare and to learn to love deeply in ways that I could never be able to love on my own, but the capturing of my heart continues.
The next day on a little drive up Hwy 1. I am taken back by the beauty that is everywhere. I wonder out loud, what could I have ever thought about when I looked at beautiful things before I knew the Lord? Would I have worshipped photosynthesis to enjoy the glory of the green green trees? Would I have marvelled at the moon's pull so as to be floored by the magnificent waves? I stared at things full of a longing to worship the Creator of the Universe for making things so splendid I could not think of anything else but worshipping Him. Stopping at Waddell beach. Standing in the sand. Giggling like a little girl. Looking for sand dollars. Finding living things. I was reminded of the glory of faith from a child's perspective. From one who sees things with new eyes. Beautiful, magnicicent, miraculous moments with my Savior.
In the quiet. In the still. In the comfort of a friends company. In the telling of stories. In the moments of truth. In the profound longing for real realational intimacy. In the space where the Lord naturally inhabits. I find sincere, overwhelming peace. Peace that I cannot do anything to fix what is broken. Happiness. Delight in even allowing life to stay as it is, in all of it's madness; contentment, knowing that I can sleep (one beautiful night's sleep, literally) assured that I do not need to be a "fixer".
Church. New friends. People checking out the Lord, not sure what they think of him yet. Me, I learn that He follows me whereever I go. Relentless Savior. One longing for me to hear what He really thinks of me. He'll go to great lengths. Joining me in Santa Cruz, hundreds of miles from home, to tell me that He longs for me to believe the truth about myself. He longs for me to run from the comfort of people and sin and selfishness. Run into His arms for a dance, a ravishing dance, where He whispers sweet nothings in my ear. His voice louder than lies. His voice louder than doubt. His voice louder than insecurity and fear. His voice. Loud.
Another long day of joy. A long day of contemplating truth while living out what it looks like to believe even when I don't really believe. A wonderful afternoon in the presence of people who love me without being told how. Standing in the company of ones who stand in the gap, proving truth true. Basking in beauty. Savoring simple moments of deep profound assurance of who I am and relishing love set aside just for me. Given opportunities to know why I do all the things I do, not to fix or control but to live out the character that God has designed in me.
Time to go... oh not yet... thinking. worrying. hating. falling apart. going back to the mess without the Savior. Going back to lies without the truth. Clinging to human affection and admiration for my worth. Longing for more earthly love to fill the space of my Living Savior. Space already occupied, trying to be filled, crowding out the only One that can actually fix anything. Have another moment Kandice. Sit by the ocean. The raging, no where near rhythmic, mess of an ocean. Sit here. Alone. Sit here not alone. Let others experience this moment like a young child seeing the waves crash against the cliffs for the first time. Let him dance around and praise his Creator with dancing and shouting. You sit. Watch me love him. Not the way I love you in this moment. Listen to him worship Me. Listen to him indulge himself in My glory. It's okay that it stirs thoughts in you. Long to worship me. That's okay. Listen to me my beloved. Listen. Sit and listen.
All I ever do is request of the Lord to be my fixer. I always ask You God to fix things. I always ask You to meet me and join me and fix me and heal me and move in me and make me a better me and do more work. I'll listen. But first God, can I be like the waves? I've been watching them for a while and they never do what I say. They never go where I send them. Not one time did they obey me. Not one time was my control, my fixing self, able to command the waves to obey. Okay. Enough talking. I'll sit. I'll listen.
A moment. You are like the waves. You are beautiful, powerful, exactly the way I created you to be, strong, a force to be reconded with. Kandice, you are created, designed, set into motion. Don't forget the moon Kandice. Don't forget the work that is done without you. Don't forget that which is outside of your control, beautiful! You are mine. All of you, every part of you. Good, bad and ugly. I make all things new. You are like the waves. Oh and while you're listening... I've been wanting to tell you. You do know the difference between the truth and a lie. You say that lies are loud. They are, love. But, my voice is louder. Ask me. You say too often that lies overpower truth. You say it like the waves can beat the rocks without my control. Like the waves could outdo what I've already done. Waves do not control the end of the ocean, as lies do not control the life of my beloved. I win Kandice, not waves or lies or people. Me and Me alone. Victory won like the rocks stop the waves. Victory won like the shore ends the ocean. My voice is louder. Ask me, I'll tell you.
truth. joy. touch. voice. life. what i experienced this weekend.
It took me a long time to write this blog and right in the middle of it I almost went back to my mess without my Savior. This life is hard. Being back in Redding, home from my vacation retreat is hard. I'm excited for what the Lord has in store for all of this profound love he is throwing at me. For now, I know it is hard. This mess is much harder than blogs and words and moments. What will be the bridge between the mess and the moment? What will bring truth to the mess? What will make this not so hard? I guess I'll have to wait and see.
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