i get to decide.

I am not the giving up type. I long for, request of the Lord for, NEED opportunities to learn how to love deep. It is something I pray for everyday. I am not the kind of girl that runs away from love. I'm not the kind of person that cowers in the corner cause people have wounded me. I'm not scared of loving boldly. I don't draw back or tremble at the idea that loving has to be new and different. I don't get off the bus when the road gets rocky. I actually thrive there, I find myself really alive there.

Who or whatever made me even begin to doubt my ability to love and love deep is ridiculous. The ridiculousness of it all is what makes it so confusing. I cannot compute in my head or in my actions what it would look like to throw in the towel; to simply stop loving the only way I know how. The very thought is repulsive to me.

I've been learning. People love different. There are throngs of people surrounding me, teaching me that love is different for and from different people. It's the Holy Spirit alive in them. The God of the Universe ALIVE in us that manifests love in different ways. Who am I to tell God to stop? Who am I to say, be gone Alive One?

I choose love. I'm sure I've declared that before. I'm actually positive. But I choose it again. I get to decide.

thinking. not sleeping. crying

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately thinking that requires not only my head but my heart and my life as well. the kind of thinking that keeps my body up all night wondering about the outcome of some situation that i have absolutely no control over. i think i may have said this a million times over in the last few weeks but i really cannot figure out how to make myself stop thinking and imagining and pondering. all i want to do is live. i want to choose today and not next week. i want to live a life that is worthy of the calling that i have recieved. i want to love today. i want to give myself away today. i want to declare myself alive in the holy spirit and proclaim victory today.

right this moment my heart hurts. the pain in my heart makes my brain work overtime trying to figure out ways to fix the pain and avoid it in the future. no matter how hard i try i cannot make myself love less. i cannot comprehend what it would look like to retract the woman that i've been designed to be in order for the pain my heart is feeling to be any dimmer.

just a few days ago, i couldn't fathom anything other than joy deep down in my spirit. the person i am right this minute is not who i've been designed to be. lies are penetrating my truth and making themselves comfortable, so comfortable that my heart thinks that they are true. it's been a struggle of mine for many years, listening to lies.

i read my journal and a couple of my blogs and was reminded, and will remind myself again... Kandice, you have been listening to lies for far to long and the Truth is alive in you to set you free, freedom is available every moment. Alive. Victory is alive in you! Truth is alive in you. Today. Tonight. Asleep and Awake. Live accordingly.

pondering. sleeping. laughing.

how to start strong...

I'm not starting very strong. I have sat down twice now to begin reading some books for my first class at Tozer Theological Seminary. I made a list of all of the things I need to get done before class happens in June and it is slightly daunting. I have to read a lot of books and prepare meaningful discussion points for each chapter. I have to write a few papers about life and ministry. I have to evaluate my life as a Christian.  All of the assignments on the "to do list" are things that I naturally love to do. Things that actually bring me some sense of deep joy. Things that bring my heart to a spot of longing for more of my Savior. This adventure of graduate school is going to be awesome.

So why is it that I'm sitting here intending to read that book about being culturally savvy, but instead I'm writing a, not so good, blog? Why is it that my natural response to school work is procrastination? I think it is because it is all I've ever known. I'm kinda good at it, which is dangerous. The trouble is, I also know that I'm good at getting stuff done so that I can enjoy the learning process. I like the second option better. 

I guess with that being said, I'm going to read. :)

you are who he says you are...no no no...I AM WHO HE SAYS I AM!!

I like to listen to songs over and over and over again.
I like to reread books.
I like to tell people over and over and over again how much they are loved.

I am repetitive and speak in absolutes.

I sometimes believe that repetition of truth is essential to understanding and really knowing it.

The other day, a good friend of mine told me that I was an intense thinker. She thought it had the potential to be a very overwhelming thing, something she couldn't see herself handling well. At the time I confidently placed another hole in my intellectual belt and found myself very proud of my ability to think deeply. Dismissing the idea that my thinking could potentially be something that i couldn't handle very well.

Weeks of sleepless nights have brought about a reconsideration of the notch I so sanguinely placed in my intellectual belt. I think too much. I lay in bed at night thinking about things that are not even pressing. Things that I can quite easily think about in the morning. My mind becomes consumed and overburdened with thoughts that are rooted in irrational fears that I encounter every moment of every day.

The Lord is showing up. Funny thing about the Lord showing up is that I find the God of the Universe showing up in my heart and life over and over and over again. Repetitively. He is showing up in the songs that I listen to over and over again. Declaring to my heart; "Breathe out and breathe again, know that life is hard but it's worth the breathing." That you can do that Kandice. You can breathe, God can breathe life into you and through you.

He is showing up in the books I'm reading. Declaring to my heart, reminding me to; "examine the cause-and-effect relationship between the quality and depth of our spiritual life and and the richness of our every day life." I can know the depth of who God is and understand the daily grind, that the woman that God has created me to be, is exactly the woman that I AM CURRENTLY!

God is showing up in the people that I have the opportunity to remind about his love. Even in the reminders that I give them. I hear myself declaring to these onese that I love things that I myself need to hear. From the Lord?

He is repetitive and speaks in absolutes. He says to me... You are beautiful. You were designed for this, for this time, for this place, for these people. I created you, created you to need me. You see yourself differently than I've designed you to see yourself and I will join you there. I'll come and take you away, move your heart away. Slowly but surely, my magnificent daughter, you will know the difference between the truth and a lie. You are who I say you are.

The King of Kings knows that I sometimes believe that the repetition of truth is essential to understanding and really knowing it. He knows so well that, He keeps showing up. Over and over and over again. Hopefully today will be the day that I begin to hear him and really believe... I am who He says I am.