staring game

If I had the time, I would read through my last few blogs and note that what I’m about to write about is a story that began many weeks ago. I would point out all of the things that have started to come together in a beautiful story of my Savior seeking after my heart; a story of my God on the hot pursuit for my soul.

We all encounter seasons of life. We all experience hardship. We all wonder why things are happening the way they do. We all go about our business the only way we know how. We live out what we know in the ways that we know how. There is no other way to be. People can tell you to change your attitude or actions. People can prompt you to look at the world with different eyes but in the end, we go about our day doing what we know. All of these things are normal, daily occurrences, that dictate the way we feel when we go to sleep at night. Thoughts and hopes and dreams collide and we see the world with eyes that are certain and positive and…normal.

The season that I currently find myself in is very self-reflective. I have had to do a couple of personality and spirituality surveys for one of my Seminary classes. When I first started these tests a couple of days ago I was really nervous. Really scared of the things about me that would be printed on paper for me to read about. Things that would most certainly make me think about who I wish I was instead of who I actually am. I’m not going to go into any detail about my personality type and spiritual inventory; I’ll save that for another time, for now I’d like to get back to the story of God gazing at me intently FOR WEEKS.

So, I’m worried about who I am, or maybe I’m worried about who I’m not. Either way, I’m worried. Worry takes over my life like a plague. When the symptoms begin I cannot make myself stop worrying. It’s crippling and very overwhelming. Not only am I worried but my body is exhausted. I’m tired all the time. No sleep, inconsistent eating and living patterns, busy- need to be on the move- everyday life; there is no good reason for me not to be exhausted all of the time.

So here I am…worried, anxious, defeated. All the while, the Holy Spirit is moving. Shaking up my insides, giving peace, instantly upon request. Giving me rest for my body and my spirit. Giving me opportunities for deep intimate relationships. Showing me grace and truth through the lives of the people around me. Showing up over and over and over again. Speaking to my Spirit in the quiet. Moving, moving, moving. I don’t miss His movement because He reminds me to remember. I don’t miss these things because He won’t let me.

Short conversations. Text messages. Affirmation. People. Love. Truth. God alive in us. All of these random “coincidences” of my day. They make me think of this picture, this picture of God and I playing the staring game. I lose over and over and over again. I turn my gaze to something else. I worry. I get busy. I give myself over to play the staring games with people and things that aren’t very good at the game and it becomes an image of constant defeat. BUT God doesn’t lose. When you play the staring game with humans, after one person loses the game, it’s over. You don’t keep playing if someone loses. Oh the beautiful difference of playing the staring game with God. I worry. He loves. I get anxious. He gives peace. I am defeated. He wins.

He has not removed his gaze from me. It makes me wonder if the one He has made is worth staring at?! Maybe I can continue through this season of self reflection with that idea in mind. I can look at the person that God created me to be with all of my strengths and weaknesses with all of my shallowness and depth… and, intentionally, remember that the One who created me cannot take His eyes off of me.

"For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.” 2 Chronicles 16:9