24 before 24

I’ve known for a while that I’ll be turning 24 in a little less than a week, but I just decided that I need a little challenge before I get to the 24 mark on the years of living list. So I’ve made a bucket list. 24 things I need to do before I turn 24. (The things are pretty simple, seeing that I have less than 6 days to complete the list) but here goes nothing…

1. run a mile
2. try a new food
3. watch a movie
4. send someone a note
5. sing karaoke
6. drink a glass of wine
7. say something to every friend on my facebook
8. download new music
9. tell a joke
10. buy myself something special
11. have coffee with a friend
12. sing at the top of my lungs
13. skinny dip
14. call my mom
15. give someone else a gift
16. learn a new song
17. blog (got one!)
18. star gaze
19. get ryan to give me love circles 
20. watch the sunrise
21. get a guy to buy me a drink
22. read a children’s book
23. buy a lottery ticket
24. have breakfast with the roomies

I'll keep my shoes off for a while...

How you label God and how you label yourself will determine a lot of things about your world.

Every time you get a clarified vision of who God is, that is a sacred moment.

Every time you get a clarified vision of who you are, that is a sacred moment.

You're on holy ground.

Take your shoes off.

I had to take my shoes off at church this morning.

I have been hearing the Lord whisper in my ear that my perceived and actual realities were in conflict. I have been feeling nudges by the Holy Spirit, turning my ear from the lies of the Evil One toward the heart of the Saving One.

Today it stopped being a sweet whisper and a gentle nudge. It turned into a shotgun blast of truth. I have been utterly bombarded by God's sweet words of truth and life.

I have been reminded that the whole of me is in the process of becoming more like Jesus. The whole of my life has been a training ground for big work to be done in the Kingdom of God.

As God declared to Moses that he was the one that would lead his people into the promises of God. I have been hearing the voice of God declare to me that I would lead my people into the promises of the Most High. There is work to be done.

He is calling me.

The important label of "called out one" has been suppressed and dismissed because I've been holding so tightly to the lies and schemes Satan has been playing with my heart. I rest secured in the mislabeled false reality that are the lies of the Enemy. I take stalk in the miserably wrong words about my heart and spirit.

The important label of "beloved" has been disregarded as falsehood because I have clung so tightly to the lie that I am not only unloveable, but unworthy of the love that is so freely given to me.

The important label of "beautiful" has been torn from my heart because I have become so calloused to the truth, making lies sound more believable than the truth. Ugly, unworthy and unwanted ring true in my spirit.

I'll pause here... the wrong labels are ugly and big and sticky (if you picture them like real labels from a label making machine) there might be 100 more that I don't even want to think about right now. I've been listening to the lies of the Evil One for far too long...

Important people in my life have labeled me, wrongly during very vulnerable seasons of my journey. Important people have unfortunately been used to advance the schemes of the father of lies.

Instead of these awful lies. Instead of these misperceived fabrications. Instead of what is wrong or broken or messed up, in me...

God. Jahovah. Yahweh. I AM.

Is relabeling me today.

He is making beautiful what is already beautiful in his eyes.

He is making confident what lies have made uncertain and unworthy.

He is making loved what feels unloveable.

He is making strong what is weak.

He is making his beloved what was dirty and shamed.

He is making right what was wrong.

As I type I realize, this journey may be long, it may be hard and full of tears and pain...

but my shoes are off.

I'm on holy ground. I don't want to forget this moment where I'm beginning to find a clarified vision of who God is and consequently who I am in light of that....

I'll keep my shoes off for a while!

being spiritually formed

Don't be overwhelmed but this here is my paper for Christian Spiritual Formation... it's long and intense and about the deepest parts of my heart. You've been warned...

The most frightening part about spiritual disciplines is the discipline part. For most of my spiritual life I have been pretty content in my lack of discipline. I have enjoyed many blessings, I have encountered God in big and small ways, and I have felt good about my Christian walk— without being very intentional about spiritual formation. What is thoroughly unfortunate is that it has been simple to live life as a Christian without much discipline. A few weeks before I signed up for a course in Spiritual Formation, God began to stir within me discontentment with the way I had been living my life. He began to show me the places in my life where I had become complacent and content in mediocrity; lacking movement, health or discipline. At the time, I had no idea what was going on or how I was going to combat the painful feelings I was encountering. I immediately placed blame on others, declaring the community around me flawed for missing the point of the Christian walk. I began to retreat and shut down in relationships with others, figuring that if I was going to draw closer to the Lord I needed to do it alone. After blaming and retreating, it became easy for me to not only blame others, but I began to truly despise and disregard my personal abilities and strengths. I found myself in a deep hole with no understanding of how to overcome. I could not stir within myself the ability to comprehend the depth of brokenness I was feeling. I had nothing to rest on. No anchor. No hook.
In the middle of this season I found myself immersed in books that were littered with stories about the experiences other believers were having with the same or similar struggles I was facing. I found myself reading about ways, which pillars of the Christian faith, remained anchored in the Lord despite their situations or life circumstances. I began pondering the necessity of community, people to join me on this life journey, as I do the work of praising, serving, resting in and following hard after God. I began to consider the idea pondered by Jean Vanier, that says;
To be in communion means to be with someone to discover that we actually belong together. Communion means accepting people just as they are, with all their limits and inner pain, but also with their gifts and their beauty and their capacity to grow: to see the beauty inside of all the pain. To love someone is not first of all to do things for them, but to reveal to them their beauty and value, to say to them through our attitude: “You are beautiful. You are important. I trust you. You can trust yourself.”

Without my permission or consent, because this reading and pondering was required of me, I found myself encountering God every day, encountering him in ways that I have never even imagined before. I have always known that God wants to speak to me and hear me and draw me near to him, I have not always experienced that in such big ways at one point in time. Beginning with A.W. Tozer himself, I began to understand the problem of mediocrity and complacency. In his book, The Pursuit of God, Tozer declares, “The stiff and wooden quality about our religious lives is a result of our lack of holy desire. Complacency is a deadly foe of all spiritual growth. Acute desire must be present or there will be no manifestation of Christ to His people. He waits to be wanted.” Throughout the weeks leading up to class, my heart began to be softened to the idea of not only participating in spiritual disciplines and loving spiritual formation, but more so longing for more of the Lord through those disciplines and subsequent formation.
I am convinced that this season of my life was designed uniquely by my creator, that I might really take to heart the knowledge and lessons set before me in this course. I am also convinced that had I not had the experience of struggle and brokenness before this course, I would not have consumed the information the way I did, nor would it have had the same affect on my life as it has. I am hoping that as I dissect and dive deeper into the things that stood out to me in this course, I will be able to better integrate the things I have learned and am learning into my daily life, my relationships and subsequently my ministry.
Intensive is a perfect word to define the courses taken at Tozer Theological Seminary during the summer session. Four hours of lecture, conversation, and experience every day for two weeks is, intense. As I began my experience in Christian Spiritual Formation, I was overwhelmed and intimidated by the course content and participants. I was unsure of my place in the group, I was unsure of my ability to contribute to the experience, and I was unsure of my ability to hold my own in such a spiritually demanding learning incubator. Each day required some kind of processing, the sheer volume of information I was gathering required that I took time each day to figure out what I was learning and how I would implement the information into my life, ministry, and relationships. The discipline I began to develop during the two week intensive allowed me to move forward into my regular schedule and figure out ways to be disciplined and teach discipline to people around me.
A few things that have found their way into my daily Spiritual formation include; Lectio Divina, self-evaluation, and staying current with God. Becoming a person who is centered, daily, on the word of God is something I believe to be essential in the Christian life. In today’s culture, meditation has become the thing to do. Professional athletes, celebrities, and common folk alike enjoy the common practice of meditation. Though Lectio Divina is a very specific form of centering, one can easily look at the spiritual and health benefits of any form of meditation and recognize how life can be transformed by practicing the art of centering, especially when focused on the God of the Universe. Studies have shown that “meditation techniques are being implemented in management of life threatening diseases; in transformation of molecular and genetic structure; in reversal of mental illnesses, in accelerated learning programs, in perceptions and communications beyond the physical, in solving problems and atomic and nuclear physics; in gaining better ecological understanding; in management of lifestyle and future world problems. ” If meditation, on no one thing in particular can cause such profound enlightenment, it should be easy for a Christian to see how the discipline of meditating or centering on God can be a vehicle for spiritual transformation. We need not forget the truth that, “God wills that we should push on into His presence and live our whole life there.” God wants us to be with him, in his presence; he wants to bring blessing and peace and the assurance that we are secure in him. Lectio Divina, in its many forms and alterations has been a profound space where God is changing me.
Beginning each day being centered in the Lord through divine meditation on scripture becomes a catalyst for a few other disciplines to become a part of my daily routine. The practice of creating room for the movement of the Holy Spirit, really does allow for change, with this change oftentimes comes room for evaluation of personal practices and the practices of others. I have found that the discipline of self-evaluation has become one of the most important experiences in my walk with the Lord, especially as I note that the Evil One usually attacks my self-worth, whenever he gets the chance. Dallas Willard says, “The hidden dimension of each human life is not visible to others, nor is it fully graspable even by ourselves. We usually know very little about the things that move in our own soul, the deepest level of our life, or what is driving it. Our ‘within’ is astonishingly complex and subtle…” I have found it increasingly important to figure out, come to terms with, and embrace the deepest parts of myself. If it is difficult to even grasp the hidden dimensions of ourselves, how much more intentional should we be about our movement toward self understanding. I have found that as I dive deeper into understanding the heart of God and his heart for me, I am drawn to the depths of myself in order to understand what and why I experience deep sorrow, pain, life and joy. Being deliberate about why I think and feel the way I do has been vital to my moving forward in a life transformed into the likeness of Christ. Knowing my gifts and strengths and using them to the glory of God is a catalyst for change in me and in the people around me.
An offshoot of self-evaluation is staying current with the Lord; this includes asking forgiveness and praising God daily for blessings and growth he works in me. The beginning of staying current with Christ is healing past pain. The models of doing this can vary, but as I sit down to evaluate what has been left to fester, unrepented, I have found that what works for me is intentional prayerful reflection; taking whatever comes to my mind to the Lord and requesting forgiveness and healing. A.W. Tozer makes note that “we must invite the cross to do its deadly work within us… It is never fun to die. To rip through the dear and tender stuff of which life is made can never be anything but deeply painful.” And like the saying goes, ‘no pain, no gain!’ We need to be willing to feel, in order to experience true and lasting healing. Sometimes this sounds much better in theory than in practice, but I am beginning to understand the rewarding benefits of healing and staying current with repentance and praise.
As important as these things have been in my personal daily life, I have found prayer, encouragement and forgiveness to be essential disciplines when it comes to improving and developing and maintaining healthy relationships. Community has become an essential part of the way that I live due in large part to the theological evaluation of community by Dallas Willard in his book, Renovation of the Heart. He declares, “Our ties to one another cannot be isolated from our shared relationships to him, nor our relationship to him from our ties to one another. Our relations to others cannot be right unless we see those others in their relation to God. Through others he comes to us and we only really find others when we see them in him.” With this thought shift came my desire to be disciplined in areas of my spiritual life that could essentially have an impact on the way other people experience and encounter the Savior.
Prayer has been the most impactful discipline that I have been cultivating since the completion of the two-week intensive course. I agree with Henri Nouwen as he declares, “Prayer is standing in the presence of God with the mind in the heart; that is, at that point of our being where there are no divisions or distinctions where we are totally one. There God’s spirit dwells and there the great encounter takes place. There heart speaks to heart, because there we stand before the face of the Lord, all-seeing, within us.” This has proven itself true, as I have encountered God through prayer this summer. Ministry has been difficult, to say the least, throughout the summer months. Usually, I get the opportunity to go to camp with my leadership team and students, or I get to volunteer for a few weeks at the local Young Life property, because of the increased responsibilities and commitments I have in my life, the option to do the fun things I am used to in the summer months has dissipated. At the beginning of the summer I found it to be extremely difficult to hear stories from camp. During class the Lord began to change my heart as he began to teach me the power and responsibility of prayer. As I have enjoyed the discipline and privilege of praying for my friends and others, doing the work that I would like to be doing, I find the impact threefold. First, the Lord is molding my heart and making me a faithful warrior in the spiritual realm. Second, I am enjoying the way that the Lord so clearly thwarts the physical boundaries of time and space as he goes about his business of listening and responding to my prayers. Finally, as people’s lives are busy and communication has been difficult during this season of growth in my life, I have found that prayer and listening to the Lord has allowed me to remain connected to my community of friends. I believe that through the discipline of prayer I have been encountering the miraculous nature of God, every single day of my life.
Being one who is filled with courage at the depth of my being, by abiding in the Lord, has become a cultivating power behind being able to place courage in the heart of others. The story of Paul and Barnabas as found in Acts chapter 15, is a story of profound movements to the call on all Christians to embolden and empower others with the truth of God’s Word as well as the truth that God places on our tongues to give away to the people around us. The discipline of encouragement has become less and less a discipline and more and more a praise response to how good God is. The piece of the act that is discipline is the being intentional about encouraging even when it feels awkward or I become self-conscious. The process of moving Christians from a life that is dominated by fear is a process empowered by encouragement.
The personal discipline of staying current with Christ has made its way into the corporate response of forgiveness. “At the heart of community, as we learn to care for our brothers and sisters, there is forgiveness. Reconciliation is at the heart of community. To grow in love means that we become men and women of forgiveness, of reconciliation.” As we discussed in class, I believe that forgiveness can and will be the transforming power of Christians to alter and make new the relationships between believers and non-believers alike. The necessity of right relationship in order to encounter true and healthy community has over and over again drawn me back to the principle of forgiveness. In class we discussed a number of reasons to practice the discipline of forgiveness, the idea that we should give up our right to be angry, hurt and disappointed (to name a few emotions related to unforgiveness) makes the practice of forgiveness a little easier for me. It allows me to understand that I have room and space to be and feel the way I do. But by giving those rights up I am empowering myself and the people I forgive to move away from the prison of unforgiveness toward a place of healing and wholeness.
As I’ve thought about and practiced the divine gift of forgiveness, I was reminded of a story found in the popular book Blue Like Jazz. The author and a few of his friends found themselves at a very secular, almost anti-Christian festival, Ren Fayre. They decided that they would build a confessional, not for the festival goers to confess their sins, but where this group of Christians would, on behalf of millions of others, confess sins and request forgiveness. Donald Miller states that they (he and his friends) would participate in the following activity;
We are going to confess to them. We are going to confess that, as followers of Jesus. We have not been very loving; we have been bitter, and for that we are sorry. We will apologize for the Crusades, we will apologize for televangelists, we will apologize for neglecting the poor and the lonely, we will ask them to forgive us, and we will tell them that in our selfishness, we have misrepresented Jesus on this campus. We will tell people who come into the booth that Jesus loves them.

The power of forgiveness will know no bounds if we, as forgiven ones, go before the world as John the Baptist did “in the knowledge of salvation through the forgiveness of sins, because of the tender mercy of our God.”
Discipline is being redefined in my spiritual life. I have never had a very good taste in my mouth when I think about the word discipline. It has always had such a negative connotation in my mind. I have decided to redefine spiritual disciplines to be abiding in the Lord, creating space for him in my life. As I step forward into creating space and abiding in the Lord, I find myself with something to rest in. I rest in the Lord, centered on him every day. I find an anchor for all of my relationships as I intentionally converse with my savior, being filled with courage and forgiveness, so that I may be able to give that away in relationships with others. I find, also, a hook from which to hang my ministry. A hook to keep me focused on God and not on rules. A hook to keep me grounded in the Word of Life, provided as a perfect gift to those who would choose to look and listen. Because, “the facts are that God is not silent, has never been silent. It is the nature of God to speak.” I vow to abide and create space to listen to the voice of God speak in my daily life, my relationships and my ministry. I rest in the truth that, “the more you actually know him, the more you will desire to know him. Since knowledge is a measurement of love, the deeper and more intimate you are with him, the greater will be your love for him. And if your love for the Lord is great, then we will love him as much during grief as in joy.” I look forward to loving more and enjoying joy every day of my life.

difference between me and You

Some things I’m learning…

When I think you’re small, you remind me how huge you really are.

When I consider you unknowing, you remind me how much you know before I do.

When I believe you’re not with me, you touch me at my depths and speak to me about our secrets.

When I can’t imagine things working out right, you work things out with perfection.

When I wonder about people and motives and relationships, you provide flawless love.

When I live in fear, you are my perfect peace.

When I count my failures, you count my faithfulness to you.

When I wander aimlessly, you are my destination and guide.

When I are weak and hungry, I seek you and lack no good thing.

When I fix our eyes on the world and the things of the world, you catch my eye with your beauty.

When I forget, you remind.

When I neglect, you pursue.

the good life.

i drove up to woodleaf for a couple of reasons yesterday.
1. to see my friend Matt Barton, who is really cool, who was enjoying his first week at Young Life camp.
2. it was my friend Jackie's birthday. I love birthdays
3. dinner at Woodleaf is delicious
4. Mandy's gonna do an assignment there next month and it was cool to just go check it out with her before she moves there for a month!
5. Woodleaf may very well be my favorite place on the planet.

i was extra blessed while i was there. i had so much fun and it was just a really cool day, evening, time...i think we were on property for 5 hours. I'll try to keep my list as short as possible. (but i was really blessed)
1. Matt was pretty excited when I saw him. I love to surprise people.
2. Just being on that property brings life to my soul. Nothing needs to happen. I don't need to see anyone. I just love Woodleaf!
3. The drive was pretty sweet. Good tunes. Good company. Good conversations. Good fresh air. Good ICEE's.
4. Like I said before, I love to surprise people and Jackie, Bri, Heather, Tony, Matt... everyone was surprised. It was really cool.
5. I saw the best program I have ever seen. (that's saying something, people i know are really funny, these people were HILARIOUS!!)
6. Special music... Awesome. We got to hear a super sweet song. broken and beautiful, such true words.
7. Sin talk: heavy- so dang good. AND the speaker was a woman. Made my heart real happy
8. Listening to the high school boys behind me sing was really fun. Santa Cruz kids are pretty cool!!
9. Being in a position to pray for high schoolers as they wrestle with the idea of sin in their lives and the world. I cannot think of a better time to be free to pray.
10. Sitting on the dock of the lake. Praying with my roommate. Being reminded of the work that the Lord has allowed me to join in this summer. I'm learning to be a prayer warrior on behalf of those working on the front lines of the YL ministry. Really cool.
11. Tableau. Funny!
12. Dinner. Delicious.
13. Sweet new YL t-shirts
14. Stars :)
15. driving home. ice cream with the tiny-baby brother. so great.

ONE AWESOME 10 HOUR STRETCH OF MY LIFE.
o the good life.

o my word.

Has a word ever captivated your imagination? Have you ever come across a concept that when you take the time to really think about it, you cannot be the same? A few years ago I was mulling around the idea of the Lord being sufficient for me. It was a pondering that began in my Spiritual Formation class with Mark Carter. It was a very important season of my formation in the Lord. I learned a lot about myself and about God and His heart for me. Such a sweet time, but more importantly out of that time, I found myself a word. A word so captivating that it has continued to change me throughout my life journey. I’ve probably written about it in my journal 396 times.

Beloved. I am the beloved. I rest secure in Him who calls me the beloved. My lover is mine and I am his beloved. He gives to his beloved even in her sleep. I bear the same name as The Beloved of the Most High. I am her who was not beloved, now beloved! I obey as one loved, I persevere as one loved, the beloved.

It’s a lofty concept. A big grandiose picture of who I am in Christ. Thinking about it makes my heart glad and draws me deeper into relationship with my King. Knowing that I am the beloved, considered lovely, loved deeply; belonging to love itself makes me different. Changes the way I go about my business. Changes the way I think, the way I act, and the way I live.
This lofty idea would come to my mind every so often and I would have to respond. I would have to look at the scriptures and think about what it means. Whenever the word would enter my mind, I would have to pause (usually a big pause, rather than a small thinking pause) and consider its truth, in the deepest parts of me.

Then one day (after years of consideration) I decided to transform this lofty concept into daily truth; remembered with my every step. It had to be big and elaborate and it had to mean all of the things it has ever meant to me. It had to be extra fancy and beautiful and big and lofty like the concept has been to me for the last few years of my life.

The day this permanent reminder came to be, I didn’t think it through too much. I was worried that if I had thought about it too much I wouldn’t follow through. So in not thinking about it, I decided that instead of big and elaborate, the truth of my belovedness had to be simple. Well, really, I didn’t think about it, I just pulled up the word (in its original Greek) on my friends iphone and let Sammy take over from there. He created something beautiful something so simple and perfect that I cannot help but love every inch of it! Now, every day, with each step, I am reminded of my belovedness. I’m reminded of the security found only in my Savior. It might be the coolest thing that has ever happened to me.

Before, the pausing that took place for me to remember my belovedness was big and elaborate. Requiring extra time spent; I would have to stop my day and think. Now, it’s still big and elaborate, it just happens everyday, even multiple times a day. I stop and think. I look at my right foot and read a word that means beloved: dearly loved, worthy of love, dear, lovable…
It’s simple. It’s elaborate. It’s true. O my word.

this one last night

I just realized that I am lying in my bed in the "big room" at 2452 Marlene Avenue for the last time ever. I've experienced so much life here. If I tried to tell you all the things I've learned I wouldn't get to sleep in my bed for the last night. So i'll just say this... 

I love this place. As crazy as things get here sometimes. As expensive as the water bill would get in the summer. As many times as I had to move out, only to move back in. As many bb's I found in the carpet (even one today). As many high schoolers and junior highers that have sang so loud in my living room. As many parties. As many dinners. As many friends. I'm never going to forget this ridiculous house.

I miss it already so I'm just going to try and go to sleep... this one last night!

you changed me...

I’m going to dig into the recesses of my mind and give to the blogging world a picture of the ladies that have been so life-giving and transforming in my life. The ones that have sat on the floor with me. The ladies that have cried with me, laughed with me, yelled at me, quoted me. The young ladies that have, with their lives, shown me what it looks like to live and love authentically. Each in her own unique and powerful way, has changed my life forever. The ladies I am referring to are the ones who have shared my address, who have shared my bathroom, who have shared my sleeping space. They are my ladies; the girls who I call ‘the roomies’! I could get my journal out and type all of the fun things that they have taught me, but instead I’m going to exercise the power of my mind and share with you my favorite memory of living with each of the 11 girls that I’ve had the privilege to call my roommate. Enjoy!

Niki- my favorite memory of being your roommate was lying in bed at night and talking about what we thought our lives should look like. We would laugh; we would talk about how no one was quite like us. We would dream big dreams for ourselves. I cannot remember anything specific, so I’m not sure if our dreams are coming true, but what I do know is that you taught me how to dream big. We would never worry about what people thought about our late night chats. We wouldn’t even tell anyone about them, we would just dream and laugh and enjoy life. You taught me to dream!

Tory- you and me are so different. We came from very different lives. We have very different families and dreams. But when I think of you and the time we shared as roommates I think about how much you challenged me. You got me thinking about the world in a different way. You challenged me to be bold and confident. I think you thought I was bold and confident, but really your encouragement and push really gave me room to trust myself and live out what I think the Lord had been calling me too. In our differences I saw a lot of likeness, in our uniqueness I saw a lot of parallels as we made choices to press hard after the One who brought us together in the first place. You’re my challenger! (no picture :( so sad)

Kara- when I think about you, I think about joy. I think about how much you made me laugh and giggle and smile. I think about the times we would get back to our room at the end of a long day and tell each other everything (I mean everything) that happened to us in a day. You cared so deeply for every single part of me. Never did I ever doubt your genuine love for me; never did I ever doubt your deep sense of joy that covered your life every single day. You Kara Rice made my life happy. You brought out my joy!

Julie- Julie Swin (Ratiani), when I think of you, I think of a rock. My memory goes straight to laying on the floor in the middle of one of our bedrooms contemplating the hardest things about life and faith. I think about you “getting my pants,” I think about how wonderful you were and are to me. I think about the ways that you challenged my thinking and confirmed the truth that Jesus was making manifest in my life. When I think of you I think about how absolutely positive I am that I would not be the person I am right this minute without you. I would not be as smart as I am (intro to theo.), I would not be as grounded as I am (spiritual formation), I would not be as confident as I am (your simple love for me). Julie, you are my rock!

Haylee- when I search my mind to think of who Haylee Marie has been/is for me. The first word that comes to my mind is sister. I think about the serious life challenges we’ve faced. I think about the arguments we’ve had. I think of the joy and laughter we’ve shared. I think of the purpose you’ve called out of me. I think of the picture of family that I encounter when I think of you. I think of you as my sister; we laugh, we cry, we push, we pull, we live this life together as ones who were designed to love each other for such a time as this. Haylee Huntsinger, you’re my sister.

Jennifer- Monkey. We enjoy and even love most of the same things. We have an affinity that is deep. Though our friendship only spans a few years, when my heart is reminded of you it is reminded of how much the Lord has blessed our friendship. When you tell me stories about your journey with Jesus I am inspired to join you, to walk with you in stride toward our Savior. As I look for words to describe the woman I think you are and have been to me, I think that you inspire me. You inspire me to love high schoolers into the Kingdom. You inspire me to trust the Lord with all that I am, all that I have and all that I want. You inspire me to be a loving and loyal friend. You inspire me to be more like Jesus. Monkey, you are my inspiration!

Jamie- Mrs. Bordenave. You are who you are, no apologies, no looking back. You are confident, bold, sure, sweet, caring, honest and one of the most profoundly amazing friends I have ever had in my life. I didn’t even know we could be friends. I didn’t know anything about you really, until we moved in together. You have taught me and continue to teach me so much that it is difficult for me to pinpoint any one thing. When I think of you, I cannot help but think of BenJamin. I think about how wonderful it has been for me to be able to watch such a sweet, perfect, wonderful union come together as only Jesus could do. When I think about all of the great things you have taught me, I am certainly thankful for the picture that is painted through your relationship with Ben. I get to see a beautiful masterpiece that I can only dream about having myself one day. Jamie, also, you are a very consistent and persistent friend. I apologize for all of the times that you’ve had to do all of the work to keep our friendships together, but as I apologize I am very thankful for you and the way that you simply go about your day, constantly remembering those you love. You are, amongst other things, the glue kind of friend!

Kelly- you walked me through some serious pain Kelly Reck. I bet you had no idea that you were going to have to deal with such an emotional wreck when you moved into the house?! Even though you weren’t fully prepared you did a wonderful job! The most profound thing that I learned from you, happened one day on the floor in the dining room (there was no table in there, for some reason, anyhow…). I was sitting there, sad and broken and hurting pretty deeply and you said to me, something along the lines of you might be missing the “love yourself” part of loving your neighbor as yourself. I don’t know if you knew how profound a statement you had made, but let me tell you what, learning how to love myself as I would love my neighbor has been one of the most life transforming things that has ever happened to me. Reversing and replacing years and years of lies and negative self-talk has come from that simple conversation on the floor in the kitchen. Kelly, you taught me to love me!

Sara- Sara Perez. What kind of friends have we been? I don’t even know how we came to be roommates. I have no idea how we made our way into each other’s lives the way we did, but what I do know is that you are strong. You taught me weighty concepts of strength and character. You are your own person. You do things your way. You are tough. I am so thankful to have been able to watch you learn and grow. I am so thankful to have watched you encounter difficult life circumstances with such grace and resilience. You exude strength.

Beka- when I think about you, I think about the ways in which you give of yourself without complaint or need for compensation. You are a giver from the deepest parts of you. I don’t know how many time you washed dishes that you didn’t dirty. I cannot count the number of times you sacrificed your own need for sleep in order to make it easier for me to go to sleep. I cannot begin to fathom the other things you did in secret, in the quiet of your normal days, things that would bless and encourage others. I saw it in you, Beka. I wanna be like you. I wanna be a secret giver. Your ways have taught me to give and love for the purposes of giving and loving rather than for acclimation or return. You’re a giver!

Mandy- Are you kidding me?! I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve been blessed with handfuls of girls to live with and love as my roommates. You are a different breed altogether. The way you go about your life, your intentionality, your encouragement and praise, your prayers, your unabashed and sincere love for me has transformed the woman that I am. You have walked alongside me during some of the most difficult seasons of my life. You have taught me to laugh at myself. You have taught me honesty. You have taught me a new kind of love. You’re really really really awesome and I’m so very excited to continue our roommateship so that the list above can go on and on and on. 

The reason I decided to write this blog is because I was driving home from a long weekend with my soon to be roommate Hannah Greene. I was so excited to think about the things that she will teach me and pull out of me. So excited for the life that we will live together, as we intentionally draw closer to our Savior, TOGETHER! So excited! As I thought about the future, I couldn’t help but think of the past and the profound ways these wonderful women have changed me. I couldn’t help but bask in the greatness that is the provision of God in my life. I cannot imagine my life without the ladies listed above. Who would I be today without you? You have taught me way way way more than I have shared here… there is not enough time in the day to ponder the ways that such wonderful women interact with each other. I don’t even think I have the capacity to thank you enough for the ways that you have blessed me and pushed me and encouraged me. So thank you girls. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your ‘roommateship.’ Thank you for loving me, in ways I cannot even imagine trying to portray in a blog. Thank you. Thank you! Thank you for changing me! 

anxious.

I'm overcome. I lose again.

This is what God says....

There must be no debate. The moment you obey the light, the Son of God presses through you in that particular; but if you debate you grieve the Spirit of God. You must keep yourself fit to let the life of the Son of God be manifested, and you cannot keep yourself fit if you give way to self-pity. Our circumstances are the means of manifesting how wonderfully perfect and extraordinarily pure the Son of God is. The thing that ought to make the heart beat is a new way of manifesting the Son of God. It is one thing to choose the disagreeable, and another thing to go into the disagreeable by God's engineering. If God puts you there, He is amply sufficient.

Keep your soul fit to manifest the life of the Son of God. Never live on memories; let the word of God be always living and active in you.

and then he says...

Remember what you are saved for - that the Son of God might be manifested in your mortal flesh. Bend the whole energy of your powers to realize your election as a child of God; rise to the occasion every time.

You cannot do anything for your salvation, but you must do something to manifest it, you must work out what God has worked in. Are you working it out with your tongue, and your brain and your nerves? If you are still the same miserable crosspatch, set on your own way, then it is a lie to say that God has saved and sanctified you.

God is the Master Engineer, He allows the difficulties to come in order to see if you can vault over them properly - "By my God have I leaped over a wall." God will never shield you from any of the requirements of a son or daughter of His. Peter says - "Think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you." Rise to the occasion; do the thing. It does not matter how it hurts as long as it gives God the chance to manifest Him self in your mortal flesh.

--In the name of the only One who can save me from myself, Jesus! Jesus bind Satan from my spirit. Bind Satan from my tongue, my brain and my nerves. That my heart may beat in a way that manifests the working of your Holy Spirit. Amen.

i lost the game again.

This staring game is way harder in real life. I lost-big time- both last night and again this morning. I've been having the dumbest anxiety of all time. Worried about fictional characters and things that I have complete control over, like dinner with my friend and homework. Dumb things are stealing my gaze from my God. I know these things are dumb. I know with all that I am that they are nothing to worry about. Yet, I'm crippled with body and mind consuming anxiety. The kind of worry that makes my heart beat too fast. The kind that wells up a million tears behind my eyes that can flood out at the drop of a hat. The kind that keeps me in my bed when I have a million things to do. The kind that pushes people that are trying to love me away. 

Anxiety and worry manifest in the tiny things I can control stemming from things that I have absolutely no control over. Things that, if possible, I would change. People that I long to love deeply, missing it. I'm learning that ALL I want is depth of community. What I long for in the depths of my Spirit are real honest intimate connections with God, and with people. I have been created to create connections. Created to connect with my Savior in ways that cannot be separated from human connections. When separation comes, in throwing my pearls to pigs, anxiety seems to get the upper hand. Anxiety wins?! 

But, I know... God still wins. His relentless stare is, just that, relentless. God's gaze is oppressively consistent. And also, not only does he win, he controls all of the players in the game. Control in the sense that this is a Kandice-God Staring Game and everyone else that is allowed in the room has to be aware and available to play the game too or else...they can't play. They must leave the room. 

My self reflective season of life is drawing me closer to my Savior. Maybe the drawing will one day (hopefully soon) help me to stay in the game. I can never win the staring game with God, but I certainly can keep playing. God is doing all the work to keep me in the game, and that is how it should be. All I need to do is respond. I long for response in my human relationships, so therefore, I will respond to my Savior. I will respond to the God of the Universe, the Creator God; I will respond. I lost the game- really lost, like bankrupt in monopoly- today, but there is much day left. I'll play some more-mortgage my property and get out of jail free- and stay in this game with God. That is my response. 

I wont wait for human response, I'll just play with my Savior and let Him keep people in the room or kick them out! I lost the game, but God wins. 

staring game

If I had the time, I would read through my last few blogs and note that what I’m about to write about is a story that began many weeks ago. I would point out all of the things that have started to come together in a beautiful story of my Savior seeking after my heart; a story of my God on the hot pursuit for my soul.

We all encounter seasons of life. We all experience hardship. We all wonder why things are happening the way they do. We all go about our business the only way we know how. We live out what we know in the ways that we know how. There is no other way to be. People can tell you to change your attitude or actions. People can prompt you to look at the world with different eyes but in the end, we go about our day doing what we know. All of these things are normal, daily occurrences, that dictate the way we feel when we go to sleep at night. Thoughts and hopes and dreams collide and we see the world with eyes that are certain and positive and…normal.

The season that I currently find myself in is very self-reflective. I have had to do a couple of personality and spirituality surveys for one of my Seminary classes. When I first started these tests a couple of days ago I was really nervous. Really scared of the things about me that would be printed on paper for me to read about. Things that would most certainly make me think about who I wish I was instead of who I actually am. I’m not going to go into any detail about my personality type and spiritual inventory; I’ll save that for another time, for now I’d like to get back to the story of God gazing at me intently FOR WEEKS.

So, I’m worried about who I am, or maybe I’m worried about who I’m not. Either way, I’m worried. Worry takes over my life like a plague. When the symptoms begin I cannot make myself stop worrying. It’s crippling and very overwhelming. Not only am I worried but my body is exhausted. I’m tired all the time. No sleep, inconsistent eating and living patterns, busy- need to be on the move- everyday life; there is no good reason for me not to be exhausted all of the time.

So here I am…worried, anxious, defeated. All the while, the Holy Spirit is moving. Shaking up my insides, giving peace, instantly upon request. Giving me rest for my body and my spirit. Giving me opportunities for deep intimate relationships. Showing me grace and truth through the lives of the people around me. Showing up over and over and over again. Speaking to my Spirit in the quiet. Moving, moving, moving. I don’t miss His movement because He reminds me to remember. I don’t miss these things because He won’t let me.

Short conversations. Text messages. Affirmation. People. Love. Truth. God alive in us. All of these random “coincidences” of my day. They make me think of this picture, this picture of God and I playing the staring game. I lose over and over and over again. I turn my gaze to something else. I worry. I get busy. I give myself over to play the staring games with people and things that aren’t very good at the game and it becomes an image of constant defeat. BUT God doesn’t lose. When you play the staring game with humans, after one person loses the game, it’s over. You don’t keep playing if someone loses. Oh the beautiful difference of playing the staring game with God. I worry. He loves. I get anxious. He gives peace. I am defeated. He wins.

He has not removed his gaze from me. It makes me wonder if the one He has made is worth staring at?! Maybe I can continue through this season of self reflection with that idea in mind. I can look at the person that God created me to be with all of my strengths and weaknesses with all of my shallowness and depth… and, intentionally, remember that the One who created me cannot take His eyes off of me.

"For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.” 2 Chronicles 16:9

me my savior and the sea

My world has been chaotic. Not in a everyone can see it kind of way, but I think that more people than not have become aware that things have been difficult, to say the least, in the last few weeks or months of my life. Stress and anxiety have been keeping me up at night and the busy tone of each day keeping me from ever really enjoying any day entirly. I needed a break. I didn't know how bad I needed a break until I actually got one and that is what this post is all about. Warning: it might be long...

I've made my friend Danny come to Redding to visit me so many dang times, it was my turn to return the favor and get my butt down to Santa Cruz for a weekend on the sunny glorious California coast. A weekend at the beach. Woe is me ;) It was totally easy to pump myself up for this trip cause all I wanted to do was go hang out with my real good friend Daniel A Waddell. Easy. So I arranged my life so that I could go on this little weekend getaway.

I leave Redding Friday afternoon, knowing all the while that I really need to get away from the madness that had become my everyday. My heart was easily overwhelmed. I am a people person through and through and I couldn't make any relationship work. I couldn't do anything to make my life opperate normally. I ran away from the "normal" that was not working and found myself encountering God, encountering the God of the Universe in a story of how the Lord has the power to restore me to a place of enjoying my normal. And what is true is that the Lord restores in ways I never could have dreamed up on my own.

I take the four hour drive to Santa Cruz. It's overcast and gray and I think to myself, self, (that's for you Hannah G) why the heck are you going to the coast on a rainy gray overcast weekend. I keep going. I notice, with a little prompting from Danno, that green is greener when the sky is not blue. I begin to enjoy the work of my creator, even on the drive I take nearly every weekend. After one long drive I make it to my friend, realizing instantly, this place of retreat that the Lord has so convienently set up for me.

We begin the weekend by meeting up with a wonderful amazing Godly woman for dinner. I had a wonderful time with people this weekend. People who went out of their way to make me feel loved. People who stepped outside of themselves and all but made me encounter the love of God through their actions, words, intentions, and motivations. I am going to skip too many details about these people and our conversations because one big thing that the Lord taught me this weekend is that I have made myself deeply dependant on people. I would like to change that and give credit where credit is due and honor the Lord for the gifts that he has given me in these people while also remembering that I am, and need to be, deeply dependant on God, the one who offers these people to me.

We go about our business by the sea taking a sweet little drive up the coastline encountering beauty unmimicked in any human creation. Conversations about people and about Jesus lead me to some pondering thoughts about where I put my hope. I find myself wondering how I will go about fixing what is broken in my life. What can I do to make things better, what can I do to change things, what can I do to make things right?!

Relaxing. Pondering. Listening. Dreaming. I begin to hear the voice of the one who made me. I begin to take in what God had in store for me this weekend, who knew this was only the surface? Had I not experienced the rest I might have been content in that evening. Content to listen and to process and to declare and to learn to love deeply in ways that I could never be able to love on my own, but the capturing of my heart continues.

The next day on a little drive up Hwy 1. I am taken back by the beauty that is everywhere. I wonder out loud, what could I have ever thought about when I looked at beautiful things before I knew the Lord? Would I have worshipped photosynthesis to enjoy the glory of the green green trees? Would I have marvelled at the moon's pull so as to be floored by the magnificent waves? I stared at things full of a longing to worship the Creator of the Universe for making things so splendid I could not think of anything else but worshipping Him. Stopping at Waddell beach. Standing in the sand. Giggling like a little girl. Looking for sand dollars. Finding living things. I was reminded of the glory of faith from a child's perspective. From one who sees things with new eyes. Beautiful, magnicicent, miraculous moments with my Savior.

In the quiet. In the still. In the comfort of a friends company. In the telling of stories. In the moments of truth. In the profound longing for real realational intimacy. In the space where the Lord naturally inhabits. I find sincere, overwhelming peace. Peace that I cannot do anything to fix what is broken. Happiness. Delight in even allowing life to stay as it is, in all of it's madness; contentment, knowing that I can sleep (one beautiful night's sleep, literally) assured that I do not need to be a "fixer".

Church. New friends. People checking out the Lord, not sure what they think of him yet. Me, I learn that He follows me whereever I go. Relentless Savior. One longing for me to hear what He really thinks of me. He'll go to great lengths. Joining me in Santa Cruz, hundreds of miles from home, to tell me that He longs for me to believe the truth about myself. He longs for me to run from the comfort of people and sin and selfishness. Run into His arms for a dance, a ravishing dance, where He whispers sweet nothings in my ear. His voice louder than lies. His voice louder than doubt. His voice louder than insecurity and fear. His voice. Loud.

Another long day of joy. A long day of contemplating truth while living out what it looks like to believe even when I don't really believe. A wonderful afternoon in the presence of people who love me without being told how. Standing in the company of ones who stand in the gap, proving truth true. Basking in beauty. Savoring simple moments of deep profound assurance of who I am and relishing love set aside just for me. Given opportunities to know why I do all the things I do, not to fix or control but to live out the character that God has designed in me.

Time to go... oh not yet... thinking. worrying. hating. falling apart. going back to the mess without the Savior. Going back to lies without the truth. Clinging to human affection and admiration for my worth. Longing for more earthly love to fill the space of my Living Savior. Space already occupied, trying to be filled, crowding out the only One that can actually fix anything. Have another moment Kandice. Sit by the ocean. The raging, no where near rhythmic, mess of an ocean. Sit here. Alone. Sit here not alone. Let others experience this moment like a young child seeing the waves crash against the cliffs for the first time. Let him dance around and praise his Creator with dancing and shouting. You sit. Watch me love him. Not the way I love you in this moment. Listen to him worship Me. Listen to him indulge himself in My glory. It's okay that it stirs thoughts in you. Long to worship me. That's okay. Listen to me my beloved. Listen. Sit and listen.

All I ever do is request of the Lord to be my fixer. I always ask You God to fix things. I always ask You to meet me and join me and fix me and heal me and move in me and make me a better me and do more work. I'll listen. But first God, can I be like the waves? I've been watching them for a while and they never do what I say. They never go where I send them. Not one time did they obey me. Not one time was my control, my fixing self, able to command the waves to obey. Okay. Enough talking. I'll sit. I'll listen.

A moment. You are like the waves. You are beautiful, powerful, exactly the way I created you to be, strong, a force to be reconded with. Kandice, you are created, designed, set into motion. Don't forget the moon Kandice. Don't forget the work that is done without you. Don't forget that which is outside of your control, beautiful! You are mine. All of you, every part of you. Good, bad and ugly. I make all things new. You are like the waves. Oh and while you're listening... I've been wanting to tell you. You do know the difference between the truth and a lie. You say that lies are loud. They are, love. But, my voice is louder. Ask me. You say too often that lies overpower truth. You say it like the waves can beat the rocks without my control. Like the waves could outdo what I've already done. Waves do not control the end of the ocean, as lies do not control the life of my beloved. I win Kandice, not waves or lies or people. Me and Me alone. Victory won like the rocks stop the waves. Victory won like the shore ends the ocean. My voice is louder. Ask me, I'll tell you.

truth. joy. touch. voice. life. what i experienced this weekend.

It took me a long time to write this blog and right in the middle of it I almost went back to my mess without my Savior. This life is hard. Being back in Redding, home from my vacation retreat is hard. I'm excited for what the Lord has in store for all of this profound love he is throwing at me. For now, I know it is hard. This mess is much harder than blogs and words and moments. What will be the bridge between the mess and the moment? What will bring truth to the mess? What will make this not so hard? I guess I'll have to wait and see.

i get to decide.

I am not the giving up type. I long for, request of the Lord for, NEED opportunities to learn how to love deep. It is something I pray for everyday. I am not the kind of girl that runs away from love. I'm not the kind of person that cowers in the corner cause people have wounded me. I'm not scared of loving boldly. I don't draw back or tremble at the idea that loving has to be new and different. I don't get off the bus when the road gets rocky. I actually thrive there, I find myself really alive there.

Who or whatever made me even begin to doubt my ability to love and love deep is ridiculous. The ridiculousness of it all is what makes it so confusing. I cannot compute in my head or in my actions what it would look like to throw in the towel; to simply stop loving the only way I know how. The very thought is repulsive to me.

I've been learning. People love different. There are throngs of people surrounding me, teaching me that love is different for and from different people. It's the Holy Spirit alive in them. The God of the Universe ALIVE in us that manifests love in different ways. Who am I to tell God to stop? Who am I to say, be gone Alive One?

I choose love. I'm sure I've declared that before. I'm actually positive. But I choose it again. I get to decide.

thinking. not sleeping. crying

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately thinking that requires not only my head but my heart and my life as well. the kind of thinking that keeps my body up all night wondering about the outcome of some situation that i have absolutely no control over. i think i may have said this a million times over in the last few weeks but i really cannot figure out how to make myself stop thinking and imagining and pondering. all i want to do is live. i want to choose today and not next week. i want to live a life that is worthy of the calling that i have recieved. i want to love today. i want to give myself away today. i want to declare myself alive in the holy spirit and proclaim victory today.

right this moment my heart hurts. the pain in my heart makes my brain work overtime trying to figure out ways to fix the pain and avoid it in the future. no matter how hard i try i cannot make myself love less. i cannot comprehend what it would look like to retract the woman that i've been designed to be in order for the pain my heart is feeling to be any dimmer.

just a few days ago, i couldn't fathom anything other than joy deep down in my spirit. the person i am right this minute is not who i've been designed to be. lies are penetrating my truth and making themselves comfortable, so comfortable that my heart thinks that they are true. it's been a struggle of mine for many years, listening to lies.

i read my journal and a couple of my blogs and was reminded, and will remind myself again... Kandice, you have been listening to lies for far to long and the Truth is alive in you to set you free, freedom is available every moment. Alive. Victory is alive in you! Truth is alive in you. Today. Tonight. Asleep and Awake. Live accordingly.

pondering. sleeping. laughing.

how to start strong...

I'm not starting very strong. I have sat down twice now to begin reading some books for my first class at Tozer Theological Seminary. I made a list of all of the things I need to get done before class happens in June and it is slightly daunting. I have to read a lot of books and prepare meaningful discussion points for each chapter. I have to write a few papers about life and ministry. I have to evaluate my life as a Christian.  All of the assignments on the "to do list" are things that I naturally love to do. Things that actually bring me some sense of deep joy. Things that bring my heart to a spot of longing for more of my Savior. This adventure of graduate school is going to be awesome.

So why is it that I'm sitting here intending to read that book about being culturally savvy, but instead I'm writing a, not so good, blog? Why is it that my natural response to school work is procrastination? I think it is because it is all I've ever known. I'm kinda good at it, which is dangerous. The trouble is, I also know that I'm good at getting stuff done so that I can enjoy the learning process. I like the second option better. 

I guess with that being said, I'm going to read. :)

you are who he says you are...no no no...I AM WHO HE SAYS I AM!!

I like to listen to songs over and over and over again.
I like to reread books.
I like to tell people over and over and over again how much they are loved.

I am repetitive and speak in absolutes.

I sometimes believe that repetition of truth is essential to understanding and really knowing it.

The other day, a good friend of mine told me that I was an intense thinker. She thought it had the potential to be a very overwhelming thing, something she couldn't see herself handling well. At the time I confidently placed another hole in my intellectual belt and found myself very proud of my ability to think deeply. Dismissing the idea that my thinking could potentially be something that i couldn't handle very well.

Weeks of sleepless nights have brought about a reconsideration of the notch I so sanguinely placed in my intellectual belt. I think too much. I lay in bed at night thinking about things that are not even pressing. Things that I can quite easily think about in the morning. My mind becomes consumed and overburdened with thoughts that are rooted in irrational fears that I encounter every moment of every day.

The Lord is showing up. Funny thing about the Lord showing up is that I find the God of the Universe showing up in my heart and life over and over and over again. Repetitively. He is showing up in the songs that I listen to over and over again. Declaring to my heart; "Breathe out and breathe again, know that life is hard but it's worth the breathing." That you can do that Kandice. You can breathe, God can breathe life into you and through you.

He is showing up in the books I'm reading. Declaring to my heart, reminding me to; "examine the cause-and-effect relationship between the quality and depth of our spiritual life and and the richness of our every day life." I can know the depth of who God is and understand the daily grind, that the woman that God has created me to be, is exactly the woman that I AM CURRENTLY!

God is showing up in the people that I have the opportunity to remind about his love. Even in the reminders that I give them. I hear myself declaring to these onese that I love things that I myself need to hear. From the Lord?

He is repetitive and speaks in absolutes. He says to me... You are beautiful. You were designed for this, for this time, for this place, for these people. I created you, created you to need me. You see yourself differently than I've designed you to see yourself and I will join you there. I'll come and take you away, move your heart away. Slowly but surely, my magnificent daughter, you will know the difference between the truth and a lie. You are who I say you are.

The King of Kings knows that I sometimes believe that the repetition of truth is essential to understanding and really knowing it. He knows so well that, He keeps showing up. Over and over and over again. Hopefully today will be the day that I begin to hear him and really believe... I am who He says I am.

a rough go at it today.

i had a rough go at it today. and i said that out loud to a number of people in an attempt to make it a better go at today. sometimes i just have to deal with my issues and have a rough day. sometimes i just have to suck it up and move on. sometimes i just need to get my life together and stop worrying about how hard or easy the day was or is. 

either way, i'm working through some tough things in my heart today. these things always happen in such a timely manner, seeing that i just got home from camp yesterday and i had club tonight and will have club again wednesday night. busy week. go figure i would be up at 1:30 in the morning writing a blog about how today was hard. go figure. 

the tough things come from the same place in my heart that i had to deal with this or very similar issues for the past 12ish years of my life.  Oh man. Lots of old baggage that could be dug up and reevaluated. but tonight, after everyone has left. I realize that rehashing stuff that has been dealt with will only develop deeper wounds. I will only deal with the issues at hand and stop giving ground to and issue that isn't "my one thing" 

The Lord has constantly proven himself faithful to me, never leaving me the same today as I was yesterday. When life is easy and when life is hard. On days that are sweet nectar and days that are seriously a rough go. When I stop and think about the Lord I cannot begin to imagine what it would be like to not lift up my head in praise of the One who loves me and has called me by name, with purpose and destiny. 

I shall rest my head with assurance tonight. Assurance that my soul is being transformed daily by a God who longs for my deepest fears to be met by him with anticipation and assurance of glory being drawn to the maker of such a fragile heart. 

People have encouraged me. 

Flowers from one who loves me have lifted my spirit.

Chats about truth have punched the lies right in the face. 

My "one thing" will be conquered. not by my own strength. 

so good. so good.

it was wonderful.
it was hard.
we talked about Jesus.
some may have never done that before.
we had so much fun together.
we laughed.
we sang.
we ate.
we listened.
we laughed.

God had His way.
Even when it was tough.
Even when coversations seemed surface.
Even when I didn't get it.

Jesus met us.
Even when we were cold and wet.
Even when words didn't come.
Even when we were alone.

The Holy Spririt came.
lives were transformed.
we might not see it today.
seeds were planted.

Please send water!

i'm so pumped.

at the beginning of the week we were without girls. no friends to take to camp. i was so bummed.

at the end of the week. i'm packed. i've got rides lined up. money is coming in. parents have been talked too. forms are handed out. our friends are getting excited. I AM SO PUMPED!

i need to get a good night sleep tonight. i need to go to work in the morning and get stuff done. i need to pick people up and be ready to leave at our determined departure time. 

there are still things left to do. but nothing more important than the words i shall whisper to my Savior as i doze off to sleep tonight. words of praise and thanksgiving for sending us the teenagers (or tweenagers). words of anticipation of what is to come. petitions of preparation.  

join me friends. whisper to the Savior on our behalf this weekend. pray that students can finally know who they are. pray that truth will resound deep in their souls. pray that the God of the universe would have his way this weekend.

Have your way God. Meet us Jesus. Come Holy Spirit come!

::

myria.angel.megan.amanda.jhamee.myisha.emily.hannah.kandice.

joe.grant.cole.polly.ozzie.garrett.curtice.reese.ryan.byron.

you are generous...

A lot of my life I have enjoyed the benefits of generous people. With their money. With their time. With their lives. So many generous people. So many beautiful examples to watch and delight in and really benefit from. 

For a few months now, I've been asking God to make me more generous. He's doing it. He's making my heart delight in being open to sharing my life and my things and myself. It's stinkin' awesome. I really love it! 

(I hope that last paragraph doesn't sound cocky. I don't want to sound that way)

I am mostly saying these things because as I journey toward being more generous I am noticing every single day how the people around me are so giving and unselfish and loving and bounteous. Thank you. Thank you for giving so big. Thanks for living so big. Thanks for loving me and the people and things that I love! 

You bless me. You are generous... I wanna be like you!

I wanna go to camp....

So Redding Young Life is interesting. It is interesting in the sense that we're trying but sometimes it just doesn't look like much is happening with all of the trying that is going on. This coming weekend is Junior High Winter Camp at Woodleaf. In reality ALL I want to do this weekend is link arms with Hannah and take some girls to camp. In all of our trying, we find ourselves at a very difficult spot. Girls wanna come, all the girls we know, wanna come but it just so happens that Young Life camp is not cheap. It's actually REALLY expensive for the girls that I've been sharing life with. 

I sometimes think I should concentrate harder at the other middle school where girls I know could ask their parents for $100 bucks and never look back. I think about how convenient it would be if I could call a girl up and say I need your money tomorrow, can you come? But, truth is convenience has never really been a part of my Young Life journey here in Redding, why start now? How could I even imagine not figuring something out so that these girls can go to camp. 

I was praying this afternoon. Mostly selfish prayers of really wanting to go to camp myself. It's been too long and I really want to go and be a part of the life changing work that God is doing around these parts. I began to think selfishly and pondered... I'll pay for them to go. I've got some money coming in. All I want to do is go to camp. I'll pay. So I called/texted some girls and said...Hey lets go to camp. Even if you don't have any money! 

It was really fun to say!

I talked to some parents and from the sounds of it at around 7pm...I'm taking some girls to camp this weekend!!! :) Yippie!! But that isn't even the coolest part of the story. I called Lily and told her my idea about paying for a girl to come and she said she would too. That makes two girls going to camp! Then I came into the house and told Mandy and Hannah about the plan and they both got pumped up and Mandy said...I'll pay for half a girl to go to camp! I said HECK YES! Then Hannah called her parents and they said... we'll pay for three girls to go to camp! Then I called my brother and he said... I'll pay for Mandy's other half!!!!!!! Then I called/texted a few other people and I'm at this point still waiting for their responses, but even without them...

WE'RE TAKING GIRLS TO CAMP!!!

We called the girls  and talked about going to camp without the deathly fear of asking their parents for money. With that opportunity came freedom! There came an urgency to get to camp. And they don't have any idea what's in store for them. They have no idea what God has p His sleeve for my friends this weekend. I thought my prayers and thoughts were selfish. But as I think more about my "selfish prayers" I note, the God of the Universe listens to the beating of my heart. He knows that I long for my junior high friends to know that He listens to the beating of their hearts and the longings of our prayers! 

I think this story is proof. Proof that God himself is shining His face on my beautiful girls (and me:)) And we don't even know what He has in store for us this weekend!!! :) I'm sooooooooooo excited!!! 

i like plans...

I've had/have...more had than have... a crush on a boy for a few months now. At the peak of this crush I was learning a lot about myself as I just kept thinking about how great it would be to share my life with this guy. While I know you are all hoping to hear more details about this silly little crush I don't think this is the point of this blog. Actually I know...the point is.

I have decided that I love plans. I love to think about what the future holds and making plans to get to those dreams. I like to think about daily plans and weekly plans and monthly plans and big long term plans. Ideas and uncertainties are okay with me. I don't NEED plans to always go my way, in fact most of the time things don't go the way I intend them too, but it does not make me any less sure that plans are very needed. 

The big problem today is, I've been bored outside of my mind. I've been sick for 4 days. Like lay in your bed and don't move or eat or drink or play kind of sick. I watched a million movies and now that I'm feeling better all I wanted was to do something fun today. Unfortunately that was not in the "plans!!" shooooooot. I am not spontaneous. I try to be, but in reality it takes me so much time to just do fun things. I am spontaneous, but not today! Today I dwell on my longing for plans. 

I still have/had...more had than have... a crush on a boy. He's spontaneous. That's driving my brain nuts today! I'm going to go get out of my house! That's a good plan!

clinging....

Today was so great. Last weekend was so great. I think that as I debrief the things that were so great I am beginning again to realize, that my Savior is quite fond of me. I've been on a journey. In some senses it has been a long journey, but for today I'm going to think about the short journey I currently find myself in the middle of. 

The goings on in my life and in my mind are far too amazing to be called coincidence. The term coincidence doesn't give credit to the Master Hand that is behind the goings on in both my physical and spiritual life. I cannot count the times in the last few weeks that I've thought in my mind or said out loud, "God is so good to me!" "God is clearly in this!" "I'm pretty loved!" 

Something that I've believed for a long time is that, sometimes you have to go through life seasons that are difficult and the joy found in being able to say any of those last few statements is deep and profound because they come from a place of clinging to the Savior.  I still believe this, but what is new in my heart and mind is that sometimes you go through seasons of life that are not difficult, seasons that are fun and interesting and sweet and the joy found in being able to make any of the above mentioned statements is deep and profound because they come from a place of clinging to the Savior. 

Today in the middle of easy, fun, happy moments; I've found myself experiencing joy so deep that it feels like God is sitting right next to me. Giggling at the things I giggle at. Getting teary at the things that get me teary. Rubbing away chills that we both get when "coincidences" happen. 

I try to come up with words that make sense of this fondness that the Lord is showing me he has for me. I try to tell stories of how fun it is to find yourself in the tender gaze of your maker. I try to dive into the deep places of my heart and put words to the to the feelings of knowing with all that I am that God-the triune God- is fond of me. He is partial to, addicted to, enthusiastic about, passionate about; attached to, enamored with, in love with, having a soft spot for; hooked on, sweet on, struck on... me!

I have stories. I'll try to articulate them for you (whoever reads this).  But what I really want you to know is that; these stories (coming up), these "coincidences" are not happening by chance. I think they are happening because: I've found myself experiencing joy so deep and profound in a place where I am clinging to my Savior.

still january... excited about Vday already!!

true story: 

I used to absolutely hate Valentines Day. My friends would get all excited and I would just get mad and talk about how no one really loved me and how lame a day about love was and how lame people were for even thinking about liking that day.

another true story:

What an awesome change that has occurred in my life. I love Valentines Day. I am sitting here on the  24th of January looking forward to the next few weeks as we gear up for a beautiful LOVE day celebration. I've had some good experiences in the last few years but I think that the thing that has changed the most in my feelings toward this particular day in the year is... I love love. I love being able to show people how much I love them. I love getting a chance to say it. I love planning loving things. I love love songs. I love sappy movies. I love love. 

best true story:

I haven't had to "fall in love" to experience a super awesome appreciation of Valentines day. I used to pray that I would fall in love and someone could "love" me into enjoying February 14th. Jesus knew what I really needed. I needed to appreciate, not falling in love, but love in the broader sense. This day doesn't have to be about butterflies and intimate his and her kind of love. It gets to be what you make it. And I choose to make it a day of loving all the people I love OUT LOUD. Look forward to it people, cause I sure am.

I can't wait for the plans I've made. I can't wait... Well I guess I have too. I'll love you until then... and after then too!

better days

song lyrics speak to my spirit. 

here are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs.

(i'll give you some, every once in a while so you can see what the Lord is teaching me)

my favorites parts are bolded.

they are my favorite cause they make me think about how much my savior is really fond of me!

First of all, thanks for listening to our song

We hope this finds you driving in your car

or wherever you are, breathe out and breathe again

know that life is hard, but its worth the breathing, 

listen to me now for love, oh love, 

It's waiting for you just to say...

here come better days

here come better days

better days, and a better place I know.

Secondly, I'm all screwed up so royally

I stumbled my way here, but wait, oh wait

grace has found me

shaken up my soul, 

and grace will follow wherever you go, 

so listen to me now grace, oh grace, 

is calling for you just to say

here come better days

here come better days

better day, and a better place I know. 

Green grass and I'm laying in the sunlight of you, 

the wind is moving through the trees ushering you 

and the better days you bring, the better places found, 

feasting at your table I am overwhelmed.

I lift my glass, drink to love that never gave up.

Clouds pass fading into memories gone, 

and all I know for life is life and love and peace, 

what else could there be?

here come better days, oh here come better days, 

better days, and a better place I know. 

Those are all true things. Thank you Robbie Seay Band!