i lost the game again.

This staring game is way harder in real life. I lost-big time- both last night and again this morning. I've been having the dumbest anxiety of all time. Worried about fictional characters and things that I have complete control over, like dinner with my friend and homework. Dumb things are stealing my gaze from my God. I know these things are dumb. I know with all that I am that they are nothing to worry about. Yet, I'm crippled with body and mind consuming anxiety. The kind of worry that makes my heart beat too fast. The kind that wells up a million tears behind my eyes that can flood out at the drop of a hat. The kind that keeps me in my bed when I have a million things to do. The kind that pushes people that are trying to love me away. 

Anxiety and worry manifest in the tiny things I can control stemming from things that I have absolutely no control over. Things that, if possible, I would change. People that I long to love deeply, missing it. I'm learning that ALL I want is depth of community. What I long for in the depths of my Spirit are real honest intimate connections with God, and with people. I have been created to create connections. Created to connect with my Savior in ways that cannot be separated from human connections. When separation comes, in throwing my pearls to pigs, anxiety seems to get the upper hand. Anxiety wins?! 

But, I know... God still wins. His relentless stare is, just that, relentless. God's gaze is oppressively consistent. And also, not only does he win, he controls all of the players in the game. Control in the sense that this is a Kandice-God Staring Game and everyone else that is allowed in the room has to be aware and available to play the game too or else...they can't play. They must leave the room. 

My self reflective season of life is drawing me closer to my Savior. Maybe the drawing will one day (hopefully soon) help me to stay in the game. I can never win the staring game with God, but I certainly can keep playing. God is doing all the work to keep me in the game, and that is how it should be. All I need to do is respond. I long for response in my human relationships, so therefore, I will respond to my Savior. I will respond to the God of the Universe, the Creator God; I will respond. I lost the game- really lost, like bankrupt in monopoly- today, but there is much day left. I'll play some more-mortgage my property and get out of jail free- and stay in this game with God. That is my response. 

I wont wait for human response, I'll just play with my Savior and let Him keep people in the room or kick them out! I lost the game, but God wins.