you changed me...

I’m going to dig into the recesses of my mind and give to the blogging world a picture of the ladies that have been so life-giving and transforming in my life. The ones that have sat on the floor with me. The ladies that have cried with me, laughed with me, yelled at me, quoted me. The young ladies that have, with their lives, shown me what it looks like to live and love authentically. Each in her own unique and powerful way, has changed my life forever. The ladies I am referring to are the ones who have shared my address, who have shared my bathroom, who have shared my sleeping space. They are my ladies; the girls who I call ‘the roomies’! I could get my journal out and type all of the fun things that they have taught me, but instead I’m going to exercise the power of my mind and share with you my favorite memory of living with each of the 11 girls that I’ve had the privilege to call my roommate. Enjoy!

Niki- my favorite memory of being your roommate was lying in bed at night and talking about what we thought our lives should look like. We would laugh; we would talk about how no one was quite like us. We would dream big dreams for ourselves. I cannot remember anything specific, so I’m not sure if our dreams are coming true, but what I do know is that you taught me how to dream big. We would never worry about what people thought about our late night chats. We wouldn’t even tell anyone about them, we would just dream and laugh and enjoy life. You taught me to dream!

Tory- you and me are so different. We came from very different lives. We have very different families and dreams. But when I think of you and the time we shared as roommates I think about how much you challenged me. You got me thinking about the world in a different way. You challenged me to be bold and confident. I think you thought I was bold and confident, but really your encouragement and push really gave me room to trust myself and live out what I think the Lord had been calling me too. In our differences I saw a lot of likeness, in our uniqueness I saw a lot of parallels as we made choices to press hard after the One who brought us together in the first place. You’re my challenger! (no picture :( so sad)

Kara- when I think about you, I think about joy. I think about how much you made me laugh and giggle and smile. I think about the times we would get back to our room at the end of a long day and tell each other everything (I mean everything) that happened to us in a day. You cared so deeply for every single part of me. Never did I ever doubt your genuine love for me; never did I ever doubt your deep sense of joy that covered your life every single day. You Kara Rice made my life happy. You brought out my joy!

Julie- Julie Swin (Ratiani), when I think of you, I think of a rock. My memory goes straight to laying on the floor in the middle of one of our bedrooms contemplating the hardest things about life and faith. I think about you “getting my pants,” I think about how wonderful you were and are to me. I think about the ways that you challenged my thinking and confirmed the truth that Jesus was making manifest in my life. When I think of you I think about how absolutely positive I am that I would not be the person I am right this minute without you. I would not be as smart as I am (intro to theo.), I would not be as grounded as I am (spiritual formation), I would not be as confident as I am (your simple love for me). Julie, you are my rock!

Haylee- when I search my mind to think of who Haylee Marie has been/is for me. The first word that comes to my mind is sister. I think about the serious life challenges we’ve faced. I think about the arguments we’ve had. I think of the joy and laughter we’ve shared. I think of the purpose you’ve called out of me. I think of the picture of family that I encounter when I think of you. I think of you as my sister; we laugh, we cry, we push, we pull, we live this life together as ones who were designed to love each other for such a time as this. Haylee Huntsinger, you’re my sister.

Jennifer- Monkey. We enjoy and even love most of the same things. We have an affinity that is deep. Though our friendship only spans a few years, when my heart is reminded of you it is reminded of how much the Lord has blessed our friendship. When you tell me stories about your journey with Jesus I am inspired to join you, to walk with you in stride toward our Savior. As I look for words to describe the woman I think you are and have been to me, I think that you inspire me. You inspire me to love high schoolers into the Kingdom. You inspire me to trust the Lord with all that I am, all that I have and all that I want. You inspire me to be a loving and loyal friend. You inspire me to be more like Jesus. Monkey, you are my inspiration!

Jamie- Mrs. Bordenave. You are who you are, no apologies, no looking back. You are confident, bold, sure, sweet, caring, honest and one of the most profoundly amazing friends I have ever had in my life. I didn’t even know we could be friends. I didn’t know anything about you really, until we moved in together. You have taught me and continue to teach me so much that it is difficult for me to pinpoint any one thing. When I think of you, I cannot help but think of BenJamin. I think about how wonderful it has been for me to be able to watch such a sweet, perfect, wonderful union come together as only Jesus could do. When I think about all of the great things you have taught me, I am certainly thankful for the picture that is painted through your relationship with Ben. I get to see a beautiful masterpiece that I can only dream about having myself one day. Jamie, also, you are a very consistent and persistent friend. I apologize for all of the times that you’ve had to do all of the work to keep our friendships together, but as I apologize I am very thankful for you and the way that you simply go about your day, constantly remembering those you love. You are, amongst other things, the glue kind of friend!

Kelly- you walked me through some serious pain Kelly Reck. I bet you had no idea that you were going to have to deal with such an emotional wreck when you moved into the house?! Even though you weren’t fully prepared you did a wonderful job! The most profound thing that I learned from you, happened one day on the floor in the dining room (there was no table in there, for some reason, anyhow…). I was sitting there, sad and broken and hurting pretty deeply and you said to me, something along the lines of you might be missing the “love yourself” part of loving your neighbor as yourself. I don’t know if you knew how profound a statement you had made, but let me tell you what, learning how to love myself as I would love my neighbor has been one of the most life transforming things that has ever happened to me. Reversing and replacing years and years of lies and negative self-talk has come from that simple conversation on the floor in the kitchen. Kelly, you taught me to love me!

Sara- Sara Perez. What kind of friends have we been? I don’t even know how we came to be roommates. I have no idea how we made our way into each other’s lives the way we did, but what I do know is that you are strong. You taught me weighty concepts of strength and character. You are your own person. You do things your way. You are tough. I am so thankful to have been able to watch you learn and grow. I am so thankful to have watched you encounter difficult life circumstances with such grace and resilience. You exude strength.

Beka- when I think about you, I think about the ways in which you give of yourself without complaint or need for compensation. You are a giver from the deepest parts of you. I don’t know how many time you washed dishes that you didn’t dirty. I cannot count the number of times you sacrificed your own need for sleep in order to make it easier for me to go to sleep. I cannot begin to fathom the other things you did in secret, in the quiet of your normal days, things that would bless and encourage others. I saw it in you, Beka. I wanna be like you. I wanna be a secret giver. Your ways have taught me to give and love for the purposes of giving and loving rather than for acclimation or return. You’re a giver!

Mandy- Are you kidding me?! I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve been blessed with handfuls of girls to live with and love as my roommates. You are a different breed altogether. The way you go about your life, your intentionality, your encouragement and praise, your prayers, your unabashed and sincere love for me has transformed the woman that I am. You have walked alongside me during some of the most difficult seasons of my life. You have taught me to laugh at myself. You have taught me honesty. You have taught me a new kind of love. You’re really really really awesome and I’m so very excited to continue our roommateship so that the list above can go on and on and on. 

The reason I decided to write this blog is because I was driving home from a long weekend with my soon to be roommate Hannah Greene. I was so excited to think about the things that she will teach me and pull out of me. So excited for the life that we will live together, as we intentionally draw closer to our Savior, TOGETHER! So excited! As I thought about the future, I couldn’t help but think of the past and the profound ways these wonderful women have changed me. I couldn’t help but bask in the greatness that is the provision of God in my life. I cannot imagine my life without the ladies listed above. Who would I be today without you? You have taught me way way way more than I have shared here… there is not enough time in the day to ponder the ways that such wonderful women interact with each other. I don’t even think I have the capacity to thank you enough for the ways that you have blessed me and pushed me and encouraged me. So thank you girls. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your ‘roommateship.’ Thank you for loving me, in ways I cannot even imagine trying to portray in a blog. Thank you. Thank you! Thank you for changing me! 

anxious.

I'm overcome. I lose again.

This is what God says....

There must be no debate. The moment you obey the light, the Son of God presses through you in that particular; but if you debate you grieve the Spirit of God. You must keep yourself fit to let the life of the Son of God be manifested, and you cannot keep yourself fit if you give way to self-pity. Our circumstances are the means of manifesting how wonderfully perfect and extraordinarily pure the Son of God is. The thing that ought to make the heart beat is a new way of manifesting the Son of God. It is one thing to choose the disagreeable, and another thing to go into the disagreeable by God's engineering. If God puts you there, He is amply sufficient.

Keep your soul fit to manifest the life of the Son of God. Never live on memories; let the word of God be always living and active in you.

and then he says...

Remember what you are saved for - that the Son of God might be manifested in your mortal flesh. Bend the whole energy of your powers to realize your election as a child of God; rise to the occasion every time.

You cannot do anything for your salvation, but you must do something to manifest it, you must work out what God has worked in. Are you working it out with your tongue, and your brain and your nerves? If you are still the same miserable crosspatch, set on your own way, then it is a lie to say that God has saved and sanctified you.

God is the Master Engineer, He allows the difficulties to come in order to see if you can vault over them properly - "By my God have I leaped over a wall." God will never shield you from any of the requirements of a son or daughter of His. Peter says - "Think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you." Rise to the occasion; do the thing. It does not matter how it hurts as long as it gives God the chance to manifest Him self in your mortal flesh.

--In the name of the only One who can save me from myself, Jesus! Jesus bind Satan from my spirit. Bind Satan from my tongue, my brain and my nerves. That my heart may beat in a way that manifests the working of your Holy Spirit. Amen.

i lost the game again.

This staring game is way harder in real life. I lost-big time- both last night and again this morning. I've been having the dumbest anxiety of all time. Worried about fictional characters and things that I have complete control over, like dinner with my friend and homework. Dumb things are stealing my gaze from my God. I know these things are dumb. I know with all that I am that they are nothing to worry about. Yet, I'm crippled with body and mind consuming anxiety. The kind of worry that makes my heart beat too fast. The kind that wells up a million tears behind my eyes that can flood out at the drop of a hat. The kind that keeps me in my bed when I have a million things to do. The kind that pushes people that are trying to love me away. 

Anxiety and worry manifest in the tiny things I can control stemming from things that I have absolutely no control over. Things that, if possible, I would change. People that I long to love deeply, missing it. I'm learning that ALL I want is depth of community. What I long for in the depths of my Spirit are real honest intimate connections with God, and with people. I have been created to create connections. Created to connect with my Savior in ways that cannot be separated from human connections. When separation comes, in throwing my pearls to pigs, anxiety seems to get the upper hand. Anxiety wins?! 

But, I know... God still wins. His relentless stare is, just that, relentless. God's gaze is oppressively consistent. And also, not only does he win, he controls all of the players in the game. Control in the sense that this is a Kandice-God Staring Game and everyone else that is allowed in the room has to be aware and available to play the game too or else...they can't play. They must leave the room. 

My self reflective season of life is drawing me closer to my Savior. Maybe the drawing will one day (hopefully soon) help me to stay in the game. I can never win the staring game with God, but I certainly can keep playing. God is doing all the work to keep me in the game, and that is how it should be. All I need to do is respond. I long for response in my human relationships, so therefore, I will respond to my Savior. I will respond to the God of the Universe, the Creator God; I will respond. I lost the game- really lost, like bankrupt in monopoly- today, but there is much day left. I'll play some more-mortgage my property and get out of jail free- and stay in this game with God. That is my response. 

I wont wait for human response, I'll just play with my Savior and let Him keep people in the room or kick them out! I lost the game, but God wins. 

staring game

If I had the time, I would read through my last few blogs and note that what I’m about to write about is a story that began many weeks ago. I would point out all of the things that have started to come together in a beautiful story of my Savior seeking after my heart; a story of my God on the hot pursuit for my soul.

We all encounter seasons of life. We all experience hardship. We all wonder why things are happening the way they do. We all go about our business the only way we know how. We live out what we know in the ways that we know how. There is no other way to be. People can tell you to change your attitude or actions. People can prompt you to look at the world with different eyes but in the end, we go about our day doing what we know. All of these things are normal, daily occurrences, that dictate the way we feel when we go to sleep at night. Thoughts and hopes and dreams collide and we see the world with eyes that are certain and positive and…normal.

The season that I currently find myself in is very self-reflective. I have had to do a couple of personality and spirituality surveys for one of my Seminary classes. When I first started these tests a couple of days ago I was really nervous. Really scared of the things about me that would be printed on paper for me to read about. Things that would most certainly make me think about who I wish I was instead of who I actually am. I’m not going to go into any detail about my personality type and spiritual inventory; I’ll save that for another time, for now I’d like to get back to the story of God gazing at me intently FOR WEEKS.

So, I’m worried about who I am, or maybe I’m worried about who I’m not. Either way, I’m worried. Worry takes over my life like a plague. When the symptoms begin I cannot make myself stop worrying. It’s crippling and very overwhelming. Not only am I worried but my body is exhausted. I’m tired all the time. No sleep, inconsistent eating and living patterns, busy- need to be on the move- everyday life; there is no good reason for me not to be exhausted all of the time.

So here I am…worried, anxious, defeated. All the while, the Holy Spirit is moving. Shaking up my insides, giving peace, instantly upon request. Giving me rest for my body and my spirit. Giving me opportunities for deep intimate relationships. Showing me grace and truth through the lives of the people around me. Showing up over and over and over again. Speaking to my Spirit in the quiet. Moving, moving, moving. I don’t miss His movement because He reminds me to remember. I don’t miss these things because He won’t let me.

Short conversations. Text messages. Affirmation. People. Love. Truth. God alive in us. All of these random “coincidences” of my day. They make me think of this picture, this picture of God and I playing the staring game. I lose over and over and over again. I turn my gaze to something else. I worry. I get busy. I give myself over to play the staring games with people and things that aren’t very good at the game and it becomes an image of constant defeat. BUT God doesn’t lose. When you play the staring game with humans, after one person loses the game, it’s over. You don’t keep playing if someone loses. Oh the beautiful difference of playing the staring game with God. I worry. He loves. I get anxious. He gives peace. I am defeated. He wins.

He has not removed his gaze from me. It makes me wonder if the one He has made is worth staring at?! Maybe I can continue through this season of self reflection with that idea in mind. I can look at the person that God created me to be with all of my strengths and weaknesses with all of my shallowness and depth… and, intentionally, remember that the One who created me cannot take His eyes off of me.

"For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.” 2 Chronicles 16:9

me my savior and the sea

My world has been chaotic. Not in a everyone can see it kind of way, but I think that more people than not have become aware that things have been difficult, to say the least, in the last few weeks or months of my life. Stress and anxiety have been keeping me up at night and the busy tone of each day keeping me from ever really enjoying any day entirly. I needed a break. I didn't know how bad I needed a break until I actually got one and that is what this post is all about. Warning: it might be long...

I've made my friend Danny come to Redding to visit me so many dang times, it was my turn to return the favor and get my butt down to Santa Cruz for a weekend on the sunny glorious California coast. A weekend at the beach. Woe is me ;) It was totally easy to pump myself up for this trip cause all I wanted to do was go hang out with my real good friend Daniel A Waddell. Easy. So I arranged my life so that I could go on this little weekend getaway.

I leave Redding Friday afternoon, knowing all the while that I really need to get away from the madness that had become my everyday. My heart was easily overwhelmed. I am a people person through and through and I couldn't make any relationship work. I couldn't do anything to make my life opperate normally. I ran away from the "normal" that was not working and found myself encountering God, encountering the God of the Universe in a story of how the Lord has the power to restore me to a place of enjoying my normal. And what is true is that the Lord restores in ways I never could have dreamed up on my own.

I take the four hour drive to Santa Cruz. It's overcast and gray and I think to myself, self, (that's for you Hannah G) why the heck are you going to the coast on a rainy gray overcast weekend. I keep going. I notice, with a little prompting from Danno, that green is greener when the sky is not blue. I begin to enjoy the work of my creator, even on the drive I take nearly every weekend. After one long drive I make it to my friend, realizing instantly, this place of retreat that the Lord has so convienently set up for me.

We begin the weekend by meeting up with a wonderful amazing Godly woman for dinner. I had a wonderful time with people this weekend. People who went out of their way to make me feel loved. People who stepped outside of themselves and all but made me encounter the love of God through their actions, words, intentions, and motivations. I am going to skip too many details about these people and our conversations because one big thing that the Lord taught me this weekend is that I have made myself deeply dependant on people. I would like to change that and give credit where credit is due and honor the Lord for the gifts that he has given me in these people while also remembering that I am, and need to be, deeply dependant on God, the one who offers these people to me.

We go about our business by the sea taking a sweet little drive up the coastline encountering beauty unmimicked in any human creation. Conversations about people and about Jesus lead me to some pondering thoughts about where I put my hope. I find myself wondering how I will go about fixing what is broken in my life. What can I do to make things better, what can I do to change things, what can I do to make things right?!

Relaxing. Pondering. Listening. Dreaming. I begin to hear the voice of the one who made me. I begin to take in what God had in store for me this weekend, who knew this was only the surface? Had I not experienced the rest I might have been content in that evening. Content to listen and to process and to declare and to learn to love deeply in ways that I could never be able to love on my own, but the capturing of my heart continues.

The next day on a little drive up Hwy 1. I am taken back by the beauty that is everywhere. I wonder out loud, what could I have ever thought about when I looked at beautiful things before I knew the Lord? Would I have worshipped photosynthesis to enjoy the glory of the green green trees? Would I have marvelled at the moon's pull so as to be floored by the magnificent waves? I stared at things full of a longing to worship the Creator of the Universe for making things so splendid I could not think of anything else but worshipping Him. Stopping at Waddell beach. Standing in the sand. Giggling like a little girl. Looking for sand dollars. Finding living things. I was reminded of the glory of faith from a child's perspective. From one who sees things with new eyes. Beautiful, magnicicent, miraculous moments with my Savior.

In the quiet. In the still. In the comfort of a friends company. In the telling of stories. In the moments of truth. In the profound longing for real realational intimacy. In the space where the Lord naturally inhabits. I find sincere, overwhelming peace. Peace that I cannot do anything to fix what is broken. Happiness. Delight in even allowing life to stay as it is, in all of it's madness; contentment, knowing that I can sleep (one beautiful night's sleep, literally) assured that I do not need to be a "fixer".

Church. New friends. People checking out the Lord, not sure what they think of him yet. Me, I learn that He follows me whereever I go. Relentless Savior. One longing for me to hear what He really thinks of me. He'll go to great lengths. Joining me in Santa Cruz, hundreds of miles from home, to tell me that He longs for me to believe the truth about myself. He longs for me to run from the comfort of people and sin and selfishness. Run into His arms for a dance, a ravishing dance, where He whispers sweet nothings in my ear. His voice louder than lies. His voice louder than doubt. His voice louder than insecurity and fear. His voice. Loud.

Another long day of joy. A long day of contemplating truth while living out what it looks like to believe even when I don't really believe. A wonderful afternoon in the presence of people who love me without being told how. Standing in the company of ones who stand in the gap, proving truth true. Basking in beauty. Savoring simple moments of deep profound assurance of who I am and relishing love set aside just for me. Given opportunities to know why I do all the things I do, not to fix or control but to live out the character that God has designed in me.

Time to go... oh not yet... thinking. worrying. hating. falling apart. going back to the mess without the Savior. Going back to lies without the truth. Clinging to human affection and admiration for my worth. Longing for more earthly love to fill the space of my Living Savior. Space already occupied, trying to be filled, crowding out the only One that can actually fix anything. Have another moment Kandice. Sit by the ocean. The raging, no where near rhythmic, mess of an ocean. Sit here. Alone. Sit here not alone. Let others experience this moment like a young child seeing the waves crash against the cliffs for the first time. Let him dance around and praise his Creator with dancing and shouting. You sit. Watch me love him. Not the way I love you in this moment. Listen to him worship Me. Listen to him indulge himself in My glory. It's okay that it stirs thoughts in you. Long to worship me. That's okay. Listen to me my beloved. Listen. Sit and listen.

All I ever do is request of the Lord to be my fixer. I always ask You God to fix things. I always ask You to meet me and join me and fix me and heal me and move in me and make me a better me and do more work. I'll listen. But first God, can I be like the waves? I've been watching them for a while and they never do what I say. They never go where I send them. Not one time did they obey me. Not one time was my control, my fixing self, able to command the waves to obey. Okay. Enough talking. I'll sit. I'll listen.

A moment. You are like the waves. You are beautiful, powerful, exactly the way I created you to be, strong, a force to be reconded with. Kandice, you are created, designed, set into motion. Don't forget the moon Kandice. Don't forget the work that is done without you. Don't forget that which is outside of your control, beautiful! You are mine. All of you, every part of you. Good, bad and ugly. I make all things new. You are like the waves. Oh and while you're listening... I've been wanting to tell you. You do know the difference between the truth and a lie. You say that lies are loud. They are, love. But, my voice is louder. Ask me. You say too often that lies overpower truth. You say it like the waves can beat the rocks without my control. Like the waves could outdo what I've already done. Waves do not control the end of the ocean, as lies do not control the life of my beloved. I win Kandice, not waves or lies or people. Me and Me alone. Victory won like the rocks stop the waves. Victory won like the shore ends the ocean. My voice is louder. Ask me, I'll tell you.

truth. joy. touch. voice. life. what i experienced this weekend.

It took me a long time to write this blog and right in the middle of it I almost went back to my mess without my Savior. This life is hard. Being back in Redding, home from my vacation retreat is hard. I'm excited for what the Lord has in store for all of this profound love he is throwing at me. For now, I know it is hard. This mess is much harder than blogs and words and moments. What will be the bridge between the mess and the moment? What will bring truth to the mess? What will make this not so hard? I guess I'll have to wait and see.

i get to decide.

I am not the giving up type. I long for, request of the Lord for, NEED opportunities to learn how to love deep. It is something I pray for everyday. I am not the kind of girl that runs away from love. I'm not the kind of person that cowers in the corner cause people have wounded me. I'm not scared of loving boldly. I don't draw back or tremble at the idea that loving has to be new and different. I don't get off the bus when the road gets rocky. I actually thrive there, I find myself really alive there.

Who or whatever made me even begin to doubt my ability to love and love deep is ridiculous. The ridiculousness of it all is what makes it so confusing. I cannot compute in my head or in my actions what it would look like to throw in the towel; to simply stop loving the only way I know how. The very thought is repulsive to me.

I've been learning. People love different. There are throngs of people surrounding me, teaching me that love is different for and from different people. It's the Holy Spirit alive in them. The God of the Universe ALIVE in us that manifests love in different ways. Who am I to tell God to stop? Who am I to say, be gone Alive One?

I choose love. I'm sure I've declared that before. I'm actually positive. But I choose it again. I get to decide.

thinking. not sleeping. crying

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately thinking that requires not only my head but my heart and my life as well. the kind of thinking that keeps my body up all night wondering about the outcome of some situation that i have absolutely no control over. i think i may have said this a million times over in the last few weeks but i really cannot figure out how to make myself stop thinking and imagining and pondering. all i want to do is live. i want to choose today and not next week. i want to live a life that is worthy of the calling that i have recieved. i want to love today. i want to give myself away today. i want to declare myself alive in the holy spirit and proclaim victory today.

right this moment my heart hurts. the pain in my heart makes my brain work overtime trying to figure out ways to fix the pain and avoid it in the future. no matter how hard i try i cannot make myself love less. i cannot comprehend what it would look like to retract the woman that i've been designed to be in order for the pain my heart is feeling to be any dimmer.

just a few days ago, i couldn't fathom anything other than joy deep down in my spirit. the person i am right this minute is not who i've been designed to be. lies are penetrating my truth and making themselves comfortable, so comfortable that my heart thinks that they are true. it's been a struggle of mine for many years, listening to lies.

i read my journal and a couple of my blogs and was reminded, and will remind myself again... Kandice, you have been listening to lies for far to long and the Truth is alive in you to set you free, freedom is available every moment. Alive. Victory is alive in you! Truth is alive in you. Today. Tonight. Asleep and Awake. Live accordingly.

pondering. sleeping. laughing.