i lost the game again.

This staring game is way harder in real life. I lost-big time- both last night and again this morning. I've been having the dumbest anxiety of all time. Worried about fictional characters and things that I have complete control over, like dinner with my friend and homework. Dumb things are stealing my gaze from my God. I know these things are dumb. I know with all that I am that they are nothing to worry about. Yet, I'm crippled with body and mind consuming anxiety. The kind of worry that makes my heart beat too fast. The kind that wells up a million tears behind my eyes that can flood out at the drop of a hat. The kind that keeps me in my bed when I have a million things to do. The kind that pushes people that are trying to love me away. 

Anxiety and worry manifest in the tiny things I can control stemming from things that I have absolutely no control over. Things that, if possible, I would change. People that I long to love deeply, missing it. I'm learning that ALL I want is depth of community. What I long for in the depths of my Spirit are real honest intimate connections with God, and with people. I have been created to create connections. Created to connect with my Savior in ways that cannot be separated from human connections. When separation comes, in throwing my pearls to pigs, anxiety seems to get the upper hand. Anxiety wins?! 

But, I know... God still wins. His relentless stare is, just that, relentless. God's gaze is oppressively consistent. And also, not only does he win, he controls all of the players in the game. Control in the sense that this is a Kandice-God Staring Game and everyone else that is allowed in the room has to be aware and available to play the game too or else...they can't play. They must leave the room. 

My self reflective season of life is drawing me closer to my Savior. Maybe the drawing will one day (hopefully soon) help me to stay in the game. I can never win the staring game with God, but I certainly can keep playing. God is doing all the work to keep me in the game, and that is how it should be. All I need to do is respond. I long for response in my human relationships, so therefore, I will respond to my Savior. I will respond to the God of the Universe, the Creator God; I will respond. I lost the game- really lost, like bankrupt in monopoly- today, but there is much day left. I'll play some more-mortgage my property and get out of jail free- and stay in this game with God. That is my response. 

I wont wait for human response, I'll just play with my Savior and let Him keep people in the room or kick them out! I lost the game, but God wins. 

staring game

If I had the time, I would read through my last few blogs and note that what I’m about to write about is a story that began many weeks ago. I would point out all of the things that have started to come together in a beautiful story of my Savior seeking after my heart; a story of my God on the hot pursuit for my soul.

We all encounter seasons of life. We all experience hardship. We all wonder why things are happening the way they do. We all go about our business the only way we know how. We live out what we know in the ways that we know how. There is no other way to be. People can tell you to change your attitude or actions. People can prompt you to look at the world with different eyes but in the end, we go about our day doing what we know. All of these things are normal, daily occurrences, that dictate the way we feel when we go to sleep at night. Thoughts and hopes and dreams collide and we see the world with eyes that are certain and positive and…normal.

The season that I currently find myself in is very self-reflective. I have had to do a couple of personality and spirituality surveys for one of my Seminary classes. When I first started these tests a couple of days ago I was really nervous. Really scared of the things about me that would be printed on paper for me to read about. Things that would most certainly make me think about who I wish I was instead of who I actually am. I’m not going to go into any detail about my personality type and spiritual inventory; I’ll save that for another time, for now I’d like to get back to the story of God gazing at me intently FOR WEEKS.

So, I’m worried about who I am, or maybe I’m worried about who I’m not. Either way, I’m worried. Worry takes over my life like a plague. When the symptoms begin I cannot make myself stop worrying. It’s crippling and very overwhelming. Not only am I worried but my body is exhausted. I’m tired all the time. No sleep, inconsistent eating and living patterns, busy- need to be on the move- everyday life; there is no good reason for me not to be exhausted all of the time.

So here I am…worried, anxious, defeated. All the while, the Holy Spirit is moving. Shaking up my insides, giving peace, instantly upon request. Giving me rest for my body and my spirit. Giving me opportunities for deep intimate relationships. Showing me grace and truth through the lives of the people around me. Showing up over and over and over again. Speaking to my Spirit in the quiet. Moving, moving, moving. I don’t miss His movement because He reminds me to remember. I don’t miss these things because He won’t let me.

Short conversations. Text messages. Affirmation. People. Love. Truth. God alive in us. All of these random “coincidences” of my day. They make me think of this picture, this picture of God and I playing the staring game. I lose over and over and over again. I turn my gaze to something else. I worry. I get busy. I give myself over to play the staring games with people and things that aren’t very good at the game and it becomes an image of constant defeat. BUT God doesn’t lose. When you play the staring game with humans, after one person loses the game, it’s over. You don’t keep playing if someone loses. Oh the beautiful difference of playing the staring game with God. I worry. He loves. I get anxious. He gives peace. I am defeated. He wins.

He has not removed his gaze from me. It makes me wonder if the one He has made is worth staring at?! Maybe I can continue through this season of self reflection with that idea in mind. I can look at the person that God created me to be with all of my strengths and weaknesses with all of my shallowness and depth… and, intentionally, remember that the One who created me cannot take His eyes off of me.

"For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.” 2 Chronicles 16:9

me my savior and the sea

My world has been chaotic. Not in a everyone can see it kind of way, but I think that more people than not have become aware that things have been difficult, to say the least, in the last few weeks or months of my life. Stress and anxiety have been keeping me up at night and the busy tone of each day keeping me from ever really enjoying any day entirly. I needed a break. I didn't know how bad I needed a break until I actually got one and that is what this post is all about. Warning: it might be long...

I've made my friend Danny come to Redding to visit me so many dang times, it was my turn to return the favor and get my butt down to Santa Cruz for a weekend on the sunny glorious California coast. A weekend at the beach. Woe is me ;) It was totally easy to pump myself up for this trip cause all I wanted to do was go hang out with my real good friend Daniel A Waddell. Easy. So I arranged my life so that I could go on this little weekend getaway.

I leave Redding Friday afternoon, knowing all the while that I really need to get away from the madness that had become my everyday. My heart was easily overwhelmed. I am a people person through and through and I couldn't make any relationship work. I couldn't do anything to make my life opperate normally. I ran away from the "normal" that was not working and found myself encountering God, encountering the God of the Universe in a story of how the Lord has the power to restore me to a place of enjoying my normal. And what is true is that the Lord restores in ways I never could have dreamed up on my own.

I take the four hour drive to Santa Cruz. It's overcast and gray and I think to myself, self, (that's for you Hannah G) why the heck are you going to the coast on a rainy gray overcast weekend. I keep going. I notice, with a little prompting from Danno, that green is greener when the sky is not blue. I begin to enjoy the work of my creator, even on the drive I take nearly every weekend. After one long drive I make it to my friend, realizing instantly, this place of retreat that the Lord has so convienently set up for me.

We begin the weekend by meeting up with a wonderful amazing Godly woman for dinner. I had a wonderful time with people this weekend. People who went out of their way to make me feel loved. People who stepped outside of themselves and all but made me encounter the love of God through their actions, words, intentions, and motivations. I am going to skip too many details about these people and our conversations because one big thing that the Lord taught me this weekend is that I have made myself deeply dependant on people. I would like to change that and give credit where credit is due and honor the Lord for the gifts that he has given me in these people while also remembering that I am, and need to be, deeply dependant on God, the one who offers these people to me.

We go about our business by the sea taking a sweet little drive up the coastline encountering beauty unmimicked in any human creation. Conversations about people and about Jesus lead me to some pondering thoughts about where I put my hope. I find myself wondering how I will go about fixing what is broken in my life. What can I do to make things better, what can I do to change things, what can I do to make things right?!

Relaxing. Pondering. Listening. Dreaming. I begin to hear the voice of the one who made me. I begin to take in what God had in store for me this weekend, who knew this was only the surface? Had I not experienced the rest I might have been content in that evening. Content to listen and to process and to declare and to learn to love deeply in ways that I could never be able to love on my own, but the capturing of my heart continues.

The next day on a little drive up Hwy 1. I am taken back by the beauty that is everywhere. I wonder out loud, what could I have ever thought about when I looked at beautiful things before I knew the Lord? Would I have worshipped photosynthesis to enjoy the glory of the green green trees? Would I have marvelled at the moon's pull so as to be floored by the magnificent waves? I stared at things full of a longing to worship the Creator of the Universe for making things so splendid I could not think of anything else but worshipping Him. Stopping at Waddell beach. Standing in the sand. Giggling like a little girl. Looking for sand dollars. Finding living things. I was reminded of the glory of faith from a child's perspective. From one who sees things with new eyes. Beautiful, magnicicent, miraculous moments with my Savior.

In the quiet. In the still. In the comfort of a friends company. In the telling of stories. In the moments of truth. In the profound longing for real realational intimacy. In the space where the Lord naturally inhabits. I find sincere, overwhelming peace. Peace that I cannot do anything to fix what is broken. Happiness. Delight in even allowing life to stay as it is, in all of it's madness; contentment, knowing that I can sleep (one beautiful night's sleep, literally) assured that I do not need to be a "fixer".

Church. New friends. People checking out the Lord, not sure what they think of him yet. Me, I learn that He follows me whereever I go. Relentless Savior. One longing for me to hear what He really thinks of me. He'll go to great lengths. Joining me in Santa Cruz, hundreds of miles from home, to tell me that He longs for me to believe the truth about myself. He longs for me to run from the comfort of people and sin and selfishness. Run into His arms for a dance, a ravishing dance, where He whispers sweet nothings in my ear. His voice louder than lies. His voice louder than doubt. His voice louder than insecurity and fear. His voice. Loud.

Another long day of joy. A long day of contemplating truth while living out what it looks like to believe even when I don't really believe. A wonderful afternoon in the presence of people who love me without being told how. Standing in the company of ones who stand in the gap, proving truth true. Basking in beauty. Savoring simple moments of deep profound assurance of who I am and relishing love set aside just for me. Given opportunities to know why I do all the things I do, not to fix or control but to live out the character that God has designed in me.

Time to go... oh not yet... thinking. worrying. hating. falling apart. going back to the mess without the Savior. Going back to lies without the truth. Clinging to human affection and admiration for my worth. Longing for more earthly love to fill the space of my Living Savior. Space already occupied, trying to be filled, crowding out the only One that can actually fix anything. Have another moment Kandice. Sit by the ocean. The raging, no where near rhythmic, mess of an ocean. Sit here. Alone. Sit here not alone. Let others experience this moment like a young child seeing the waves crash against the cliffs for the first time. Let him dance around and praise his Creator with dancing and shouting. You sit. Watch me love him. Not the way I love you in this moment. Listen to him worship Me. Listen to him indulge himself in My glory. It's okay that it stirs thoughts in you. Long to worship me. That's okay. Listen to me my beloved. Listen. Sit and listen.

All I ever do is request of the Lord to be my fixer. I always ask You God to fix things. I always ask You to meet me and join me and fix me and heal me and move in me and make me a better me and do more work. I'll listen. But first God, can I be like the waves? I've been watching them for a while and they never do what I say. They never go where I send them. Not one time did they obey me. Not one time was my control, my fixing self, able to command the waves to obey. Okay. Enough talking. I'll sit. I'll listen.

A moment. You are like the waves. You are beautiful, powerful, exactly the way I created you to be, strong, a force to be reconded with. Kandice, you are created, designed, set into motion. Don't forget the moon Kandice. Don't forget the work that is done without you. Don't forget that which is outside of your control, beautiful! You are mine. All of you, every part of you. Good, bad and ugly. I make all things new. You are like the waves. Oh and while you're listening... I've been wanting to tell you. You do know the difference between the truth and a lie. You say that lies are loud. They are, love. But, my voice is louder. Ask me. You say too often that lies overpower truth. You say it like the waves can beat the rocks without my control. Like the waves could outdo what I've already done. Waves do not control the end of the ocean, as lies do not control the life of my beloved. I win Kandice, not waves or lies or people. Me and Me alone. Victory won like the rocks stop the waves. Victory won like the shore ends the ocean. My voice is louder. Ask me, I'll tell you.

truth. joy. touch. voice. life. what i experienced this weekend.

It took me a long time to write this blog and right in the middle of it I almost went back to my mess without my Savior. This life is hard. Being back in Redding, home from my vacation retreat is hard. I'm excited for what the Lord has in store for all of this profound love he is throwing at me. For now, I know it is hard. This mess is much harder than blogs and words and moments. What will be the bridge between the mess and the moment? What will bring truth to the mess? What will make this not so hard? I guess I'll have to wait and see.

i get to decide.

I am not the giving up type. I long for, request of the Lord for, NEED opportunities to learn how to love deep. It is something I pray for everyday. I am not the kind of girl that runs away from love. I'm not the kind of person that cowers in the corner cause people have wounded me. I'm not scared of loving boldly. I don't draw back or tremble at the idea that loving has to be new and different. I don't get off the bus when the road gets rocky. I actually thrive there, I find myself really alive there.

Who or whatever made me even begin to doubt my ability to love and love deep is ridiculous. The ridiculousness of it all is what makes it so confusing. I cannot compute in my head or in my actions what it would look like to throw in the towel; to simply stop loving the only way I know how. The very thought is repulsive to me.

I've been learning. People love different. There are throngs of people surrounding me, teaching me that love is different for and from different people. It's the Holy Spirit alive in them. The God of the Universe ALIVE in us that manifests love in different ways. Who am I to tell God to stop? Who am I to say, be gone Alive One?

I choose love. I'm sure I've declared that before. I'm actually positive. But I choose it again. I get to decide.

thinking. not sleeping. crying

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately thinking that requires not only my head but my heart and my life as well. the kind of thinking that keeps my body up all night wondering about the outcome of some situation that i have absolutely no control over. i think i may have said this a million times over in the last few weeks but i really cannot figure out how to make myself stop thinking and imagining and pondering. all i want to do is live. i want to choose today and not next week. i want to live a life that is worthy of the calling that i have recieved. i want to love today. i want to give myself away today. i want to declare myself alive in the holy spirit and proclaim victory today.

right this moment my heart hurts. the pain in my heart makes my brain work overtime trying to figure out ways to fix the pain and avoid it in the future. no matter how hard i try i cannot make myself love less. i cannot comprehend what it would look like to retract the woman that i've been designed to be in order for the pain my heart is feeling to be any dimmer.

just a few days ago, i couldn't fathom anything other than joy deep down in my spirit. the person i am right this minute is not who i've been designed to be. lies are penetrating my truth and making themselves comfortable, so comfortable that my heart thinks that they are true. it's been a struggle of mine for many years, listening to lies.

i read my journal and a couple of my blogs and was reminded, and will remind myself again... Kandice, you have been listening to lies for far to long and the Truth is alive in you to set you free, freedom is available every moment. Alive. Victory is alive in you! Truth is alive in you. Today. Tonight. Asleep and Awake. Live accordingly.

pondering. sleeping. laughing.

how to start strong...

I'm not starting very strong. I have sat down twice now to begin reading some books for my first class at Tozer Theological Seminary. I made a list of all of the things I need to get done before class happens in June and it is slightly daunting. I have to read a lot of books and prepare meaningful discussion points for each chapter. I have to write a few papers about life and ministry. I have to evaluate my life as a Christian.  All of the assignments on the "to do list" are things that I naturally love to do. Things that actually bring me some sense of deep joy. Things that bring my heart to a spot of longing for more of my Savior. This adventure of graduate school is going to be awesome.

So why is it that I'm sitting here intending to read that book about being culturally savvy, but instead I'm writing a, not so good, blog? Why is it that my natural response to school work is procrastination? I think it is because it is all I've ever known. I'm kinda good at it, which is dangerous. The trouble is, I also know that I'm good at getting stuff done so that I can enjoy the learning process. I like the second option better. 

I guess with that being said, I'm going to read. :)

you are who he says you are...no no no...I AM WHO HE SAYS I AM!!

I like to listen to songs over and over and over again.
I like to reread books.
I like to tell people over and over and over again how much they are loved.

I am repetitive and speak in absolutes.

I sometimes believe that repetition of truth is essential to understanding and really knowing it.

The other day, a good friend of mine told me that I was an intense thinker. She thought it had the potential to be a very overwhelming thing, something she couldn't see herself handling well. At the time I confidently placed another hole in my intellectual belt and found myself very proud of my ability to think deeply. Dismissing the idea that my thinking could potentially be something that i couldn't handle very well.

Weeks of sleepless nights have brought about a reconsideration of the notch I so sanguinely placed in my intellectual belt. I think too much. I lay in bed at night thinking about things that are not even pressing. Things that I can quite easily think about in the morning. My mind becomes consumed and overburdened with thoughts that are rooted in irrational fears that I encounter every moment of every day.

The Lord is showing up. Funny thing about the Lord showing up is that I find the God of the Universe showing up in my heart and life over and over and over again. Repetitively. He is showing up in the songs that I listen to over and over again. Declaring to my heart; "Breathe out and breathe again, know that life is hard but it's worth the breathing." That you can do that Kandice. You can breathe, God can breathe life into you and through you.

He is showing up in the books I'm reading. Declaring to my heart, reminding me to; "examine the cause-and-effect relationship between the quality and depth of our spiritual life and and the richness of our every day life." I can know the depth of who God is and understand the daily grind, that the woman that God has created me to be, is exactly the woman that I AM CURRENTLY!

God is showing up in the people that I have the opportunity to remind about his love. Even in the reminders that I give them. I hear myself declaring to these onese that I love things that I myself need to hear. From the Lord?

He is repetitive and speaks in absolutes. He says to me... You are beautiful. You were designed for this, for this time, for this place, for these people. I created you, created you to need me. You see yourself differently than I've designed you to see yourself and I will join you there. I'll come and take you away, move your heart away. Slowly but surely, my magnificent daughter, you will know the difference between the truth and a lie. You are who I say you are.

The King of Kings knows that I sometimes believe that the repetition of truth is essential to understanding and really knowing it. He knows so well that, He keeps showing up. Over and over and over again. Hopefully today will be the day that I begin to hear him and really believe... I am who He says I am.